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So You're Thinking About Having an Affair

Notes From the Desk of
The Neighborhood Shrink

Many of these Notes from the Desk of the Neighborhood Shrink (NSNs) have mentioned extramarital or extra-relational affairs. The topic comes up so much because it is so prevalent in our culture and in my practice these days. Another NSN dealt with "Friends with Benefits" (FWB) relationships (which was defined as two people having a sexual relationship with little or no emotional attachment). Affairs and FWB's both have similar dynamics. They are usually based in fantasy and unfulfilled promises, and wind up with one person being very disappointed with the outcome.

The statistics are all over the place as far as who participates in affairs. Because of the secrecy sometimes the numbers are hard to come by. Generally, 30-60% of marriages are affected by extramarital activity. From what I’ve read, traditionally more men than women go outside of their marriage. This number is changing these days because more women are out of the house for longer periods, are involved in positions of power, and are possibly more vulnerable at an emotional level due to chaotic marriages. Also, remember that married people have affairs with married people as well as with singles. It's very hard to track how many single people participate in extramarital affairs, because there is no legal process (like divorce) that tracks relationship breakups.

I have counseled all three of the lives affected by an affair in my practice. I have worked with “the cheater”, the person they cheated on, and the one being cheated with. Most often the situation involves a couple trying to reconcile their marriage after an infidelity was revealed. Dozens of times I had seen single women attempting to recover after they had an affair with a married man who promised he would leave his marriage but never did.

The reasons people give for participating in affairs also vary. But, they can generally be categorized into two separate areas: marital dissatisfaction, or emotional confusion/psychological imbalance.

Many women have affairs with men in power. Dr. Jan Halper wrote a book called Quiet Desperation: The Truth about Successful Men.¹ She described statistically, in detail, the characteristics of men who have found success in business. After interviewing 4,126 men, she found that 88% of the men who were successful in business also participated in at least one affair over their lifetime. However, the more interesting statistic is that only 3% of them ever leave their wife. Similarly, in her book Affair-Proof Your Marriage², Dr. Lana Staheli finds that less than 10% of people who participate in affairs divorce their spouses and marry their lovers. Not so curiously, 70% of marriages to those lovers who participated in the affairs end in divorce.

If one of the people participating in an affair has any sense of insecurity or dependency, or is affiliating with a more powerful person - such as in Halper’s book - it is a setup for disaster. First, it creates a false sense of self. Mix this with the high (but irrational) hopes that their lover will leave his or her marriage and be with them, and the combination makes for the perfect self-delusional process. The insecurity and dependency take over. All the dependent but wishful person needs is the promise of forever, even though they know, during brief moments of clarity, it will never happen.

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So, if you are thinking about having an extramarital affair, or even more importantly if you are participating in an affair right now, take the statistics into consideration. He or she will not leave their spouse! If they do leave, and you marry, statistically the marriage will fail. Here's what I mean. You get involved with a person who is already married. Something is going on with you. You have a proclivity towards chaos or are motivated by loneliness. And, clearly you are getting involved with someone who is exhibiting untrustworthiness simply by having an affair with you. You are needy, or hungry, or self-delusional (we all are at some level). He or she says the right things to you, cares about you, and tells you how difficult their marriage is. They tell you how their spouse is unresponsive, hates sex, doesn't spend enough time with them, or is a control freak. You tell yourself you can fix all that! You will be everything they ever wanted!

But watch this. Just try bringing up when he or she is going to leave their spouse. They may give you a timeframe but it will not be immediate. They will probably give you a rational excuse like they have to talk to a lawyer, it's not a good time because of the kids, right now their job is on fire and they can't risk public knowledge, or their spouse will take them to the cleaners financially. But don't worry-he/she will leave eventually.

Now let's say they do leave. You finally get what you want. The two of you are together. But now he or she is spending more time out of town on business trips, spending more time at the office, or are generally inattentive to you. Do you see what happens next? You begin to suspect that he or she is doing what they did with you. Once a cheater always a cheater. Right? Even if their activities are completely innocent, because of what the two of you have experienced, there will be substantial trust issues in the relationship. It is built on a foundation of mistrust. And, as have seen in my NSN on The Cornerstones of a Lasting Relationship, trust is absolutely necessary to have a long lasting and meaningful relationship. You most likely mistrust your partner and they mistrust you, The relationship begins to fall apart because the cornerstones are cracked.

Again, these notes of mine are not meant to be judgmental. If you are participating in, or are going to get involved with, an affair - go ahead. It’s not my business (or right) to say what’s right or wrong. But if you do, do so with your eyes wide open. There is usually a price to pay - be it your own conscience, the craziness that the chaos of an extramarital affair brings, or the eventual disappointment because what looked like a perfect relationship ends in disaster.

If this sounds too preachy, do your own research. Check the statistics for yourself or ask your friends who have done the same thing. My concern is that I see it over, and over, and over again, and few people are paying attention until it's too late.

Check yourself! Get some therapy and have a healthy relationship already! The immediate gratification and excitement of an affair have very high costs.

Do you have a story of an affair that you would like to share? Are you in an affair that you think is working out well? Did I miss something? Please write me in the comment section below and tell me about your experiences!

¹Halper, Jan (1990) Quiet Desperation: The Truth about Successful Men. Grand Central Publishing

²Staheli, Dr. Lana (1998) Affair-Proof Your Marriage: Understanding, Preventing, and Surviving an Affair. HarperCollins Publishers

Eugene D. “Chip” Weiner
The Neighborhood Shrink
www.neighborhoodshrink.com

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Chip’s practice has a no-nonsense, solution focused approach to counseling therapy and coaching for anyone who needs help.

He offers several Mental Health Professional seminars, including self care for professionals, technology for private practice, and Initial Assessment Review.

He also offers a full compliment of corporate training including Stress Management, Giving Great Customer Service, and Dealing With Difficult People.

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Response from The Neighborhood Shrink to "Statistics Need Context" Not rated yet
Thank you for your interest and response. Criticisms on both of the studies that you refer to are that the sample sizes were so small. Cross-sectional ...

Statistics need context Not rated yet
The studies you quote - about 3% of successful businessmen leaving their wives for their affair partners, and elsewhere 10% of married people divorcing ...

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Disclaimer from behappy101.com: The thoughts and opinions expressed by The Neighborhood Shrink (Eugene D. "Chip" Weiner) are not necessarily those of Jimmy DeMesa, M.D., or BeHappy101.com. Jimmy edits these "notes" only for wording and grammar and, therefore, BeHappy101.com is not responsible for the content in these thoughts.

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So You're Thinking About Having an Affair

Notes From the Desk ofThe Neighborhood Shrink

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Notes From the Desk of
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