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Holiday Happiness

(Week 3)

December 14, 2009

During the first two weeks of this Holiday Happiness Series we put the holiday season in perspective by looking at the big picture, answering two essential questions to help us consider what would (or could) make the holidays happy and joyous rather than stressed and frustrating, understanding how kindness and gratitude are scientifically proven to ease the stress of this time of year, and starting to create a “Holiday Happiness Plan” to help guide us through the season.

So if you haven’t read the first two installments of the series, read “Holiday Happiness” Week 1: December 1, 2009 and “Holiday Happiness” Week 2: December 7, 2009) to get up to speed on all this and make a big impact on your holiday happiness.

Based on what we’ve done so far, is this holiday season a bit smoother yet? If not, first, maybe you haven’t scheduled your time in the best way possible. Did you create your “Holiday Happiness Plan”? Did you schedule your down time as suggested? Have you maintained – or started - an exercise program? If not, make sure to go to the article, Exercise and Happiness by clicking here. Have you used transformational vocabulary yet to reduce your emotional reaction to life’s events and circumstances?

If not – and if things are starting to get hectic and stressful - please don’t ignore these tools. They can really help. Keep your mind and body as fit as possible always - especially during this time of year. Go back and re-read Weeks 1 and 2 of this series again if necessary. Because now, in Week 3 of this “Holiday Happiness” series, we want to explore a couple of psychological issues associated with the holidays for many people - rules and neuroassociations - and start to reverse any negative effects these issues may have on your joy and fulfillment at this time of year.

Rules

We all have rules which guide us through life – or even dictate how we act in our lives and react to circumstances, situations, and events. Some people have lots of rules and some have very few (people with less rules are generally happier than people with lots of rules). Which is it for you? And, as related specifically to this time of year, do you have lots of rules about the holiday season? For example, is it a must that you:

host several parties at your home
buy nice gifts for all your family members and friends
have your home clean at all times in case guests stop by
attend every party to which you are invited
spend lots of time with family and friends
have the most extensively decorated house on the block
not gain any weight during the season
not get caught up in the “crowds”
not let your work or career suffer
not get involved in the commercialism of the season
maintain strong spiritual or religious activities
teach your children the real meaning of the season

With this many these rules (and "must" rules at that), it could be difficult to enjoy the holidays to the fullest since there are so many opportunities for some (perhaps many) of these rules to be broken (and several are totally out of your control). It might not even be as much fun since, for example, you would not allow yourself to be free to eat some of the great holiday food because you “must not gain weight” or perhaps take a few days off from work since you “can’t let your ‘work’ suffer”.

Yes, too many rules can be a negative influence on our holiday happiness, just as they can be a negative influence on our lives in general (even if some are quite valid as in the example above).

I can’t get into this concept of rules in depth here in this “Holiday Happiness” series, so I will just say that, if you feel you are stressed and anxious every year at this time, consider whether your rules about the holiday season are having an affect on your enjoyment of this time of year (for more information on the subject of rules click here).

And if you do have lots of rules related to the holidays, it’s essential for you to eliminate or change some of those rules if you want to enjoy the season more. While that’s not usually an easy task (remember, these are deep-seeded, psychologically-based issues), it can be done. Sometimes it takes a few years of focus and effort to make the desired changes, but some rules can be changed almost immediately for a quick effect (in other words, it's not too late for this year).

For example, let’s say one of your rules is that “the holidays are solely for spiritual and family connections and that the commercialism of the season has become intolerable”. While this may be true to some extent, the fact is, shopping, partying, gift-giving, and “feasting” are all part of the holiday process these days. And it is possible to enjoy this aspect of the season. But if you dread the holidays – and are miserable during this time of the year because of this rule - you can either stick to your rule and remain somewhat miserable or you can change your rule to something like, “the holidays are a great time for spiritual and family connection and also an opportunity to engage in the stimulating non-spiritual aspects of the season”. [NOTE: If you have strict rules about the holidays, but they don’t affect your happiness negatively, you don’t necessarily have to change it – unless, for example, it affects someone you love negatively].

If you decide to make a difference in your happiness during the holidays and change some of your rules, take these steps:

Write down your current rule about the holidays on a piece of paper;
Once you’ve written it down, physically cross it out on the paper and then write down your new rule (preferably as a more flexible “guideline”);
then (and I know this may sound weird to some of you), close your eyes and think about your new rule (guideline) for a few minutes. [NOTE: During Tony Robbins’ Date With Destiny program, my wife, Jill, went through this process to change some of her rules about life and she actually started crying when she crossed out her old rule. It can have that “real” of an effect).

Do this for any holiday-related rule that might be keeping you from enjoying the season more and you will likely have a completely different, more positive experience.

Neuroassociations

Another psychological factor which can influence our holiday happiness is the concept of neuroassociations. Neuroassocaitions, like rules, can be very deep-seeded issues originating from the time we were born.

We all experience neuroassociations. My favorite example of a neuroassociation, which most of us experience at some point, is when we hear a song from the past, and we immediately associate the song with a great time in our life. When you hear that song, you sometimes get a smile on your face and start to “feel” yourself back in college – or whenever it was that the song was playing. It’s an association that is “wired” (neurologically) into our brain. Oh ... I just thought of another good example of a neuroassociation (although a negative one). Have you seen the old Steve Martin movie Dead Men Don’t Wear Plaid? If so, you may recall that every time he (Steve Martin) hears the words “cleaning woman”, he gets very angry and goes "berserk". It was because of some trauma he suffered as a child – associated with a cleaning woman at his home (I don’t even remember the exact trauma – but I think it was that his father had an affair with the “cleaning woman”). Anyway, you get the picture. Various associations in our brains can make us react emotionally to certain events during our lives. And if, for some reason, there is a negative neuroassociation in your subconscious (or even conscious) mind about the holidays, it will be difficult to enjoy this time of year.

So, what do you do about it? Again, it’s not an easy solution. Some people need counseling for this (contact The Neighborhood Shrink if you feel the need to get outside help on this). Or, you can attempt to deal with it yourself. Here's how:

Let’s say, for example, you have a negative neuroassociation to the holidays partly because every year when you were young, your parents had major arguments at this time of year because of the financial stress they were under. You obviously can’t change the past. It happened. So now, you have to replace that negative neuroassociation with something much more positive - so positive that it overpowers your negative emotions. Maybe, for example, you create your own “family holiday tradition”. You might bring your family together and sing Christmas carols every night (if Christmas is your holiday) from December 15th – 25th. First, if you have children, it will create a positive neuroassociation for them (and it's highly likely they'll carry on the tradition when they’re grown up) and second, it will help “dilute” (and perhaps eventually eliminate) your negative neuroassociation. You will enjoy the holidays more by doing this.

So consider your rules and neuroassociations. Evaluate whether they are affecting your ability to enjoy this time of year. And realize, the stress of the holiday season will certainly still be there, and it may get intense at times. We just need to be able to deal with those stresses well, using the tools and strategies suggested in this weekly series (among other strategies found on this website and others), with the big picture goal of being able to look back over the holiday season with an overall sense of pleasure and joy.

So – and this is an important point - it doesn’t mean everything goes smoothly and there is no stress. It means being able to deal with the circumstances and these emotions, and doing things – proactively – that will allow you to enjoy the process and look back over the holidays with a positive feeling.

So now, with the holiday season in full swing, we need to take the next step in implementing the BeHappy! holiday process to really reduce the anxiety and achieve that big picture goal. That is: address – and alter – your holiday rules, and create positive neuroassociations to help enjoy the holiday season more and more.

Click on the links above to get a better understanding of each of these powerful techniques for making your holidays happier; then return here for a conclusion to this week’s installment.

OK, did you get some benefit from those two strategies? Did you click on the links and get a good understanding of these two powerful tools - rules and neuroassociations? I sure hope so. And if so, great! These two tools are effective general life strategies for greater happiness - so they can really help during the holidays. And while the stresses and frustrations won’t magically disappear over the next few weeks, these two strategies can help tremendously to reach our overall goal – which is to be able to look back over the 2009 holiday season with a positive, happy overall perspective.

And if you didn’t get as much as you’d like from those two strategies, don’t fret. There are many more ways (and still a couple of weeks) to reduce the stress of the holidays and have a more positive experience. Just use whatever you can from them and next week’s Holiday Happiness installment could be better suited for you.

Until then, as you go through the next week, see if you can start to understand your own “rules” about the holidays – and your life. This may mean you’ll need to examine the more deep-seated “rules” that govern you in general as described in the article. There is also a more comprehensive and action-oriented process on this subject (and a detailed exercise designed to change your rules) in my book, BeHappy!. So if you are interested in really improving your life dramatically, ORDER BeHappy! now by clicking on that link or on the link at the bottom of the page. You’ll be happy you did.

Change your rules. Be grateful. Assess any negative neuroassociations and change them to positive ones. Next week we’ll explore some ways to create long-lasting positive memories and get really serious with a “dramatic” strategy to generate happiness. So until then, have a fantastic holiday season! And...

BeHappy! my friends

Click here to return to the Holiday Happiness Introduction (contents) page

Click here to return to the BeHappy101.com homepage

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