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The last Note from the Neighborhood Shrink talked about what women want from men, and how to use this information to improve your relationship (Click here if you haven't yet read that Note, called "Man Up"). This one is going in the opposite direction. After many years of talking about the needs of couples, the following are some of the things I have heard from many men about what they seek from women in relationships. I am calling this the “Woman Up” Menu. Just like the last one, this will afford women the opportunity to ask your men what it is he wants (or for you male readers, to give this list to your woman to help her know what you want and need).
Women: One of the ways you can "Woman up" in your relationship is to be inquisitive with your man. As I mentioned in my “Man Up” Note, this also takes a lot of courage, since, like men, women also have a tendency to give their men what they think they want instead of asking them outright. Show him this menu and let him check off what he thinks he's getting and not getting. Whatever he says, try not to take it personally. After he goes through it, you can make some decisions about if and what you want to change.
Men: If you feel your woman isn’t giving you what you want or need – and you want to be proactive – give her this menu already checked off with what you would like from her and discuss it.
Again, these ideas come from years of listening to men talk about what they want most from their women. Use it as a guide, not a mold.
THE "WOMAN UP" MENU
Don’t Nag.If you need something done, ask for it once or twice. You probably do not see intensifying your behavior as badgering and are just trying to get a task accomplished, but pay attention when his eyes roll back in his head or he tunes out. While not getting your needs met can be frustrating, repeatedly asking for something, or becoming manipulative about it is not going to get it done. If your man is not responding to your needs it is time for conversation about that or to see The Note from the Neighborhood Shrink on Blame = Expectations.Keep Your Family Out Of It.There is an idea in many philosophical circles that once you begin a new primary relationship (mostly marriage) that you leave your nuclear family emotionally and establish a new nucleus with your mate. Having interfering parents or the need to return to your family of origin in times of trouble can crack the foundation of your primary relationship. Leaving what you are familiar with and creating something new is difficult. Gut it out. If there are problems with this, seek counseling.Don’t Be A Tennis Net.This is along the same lines as Keep Your Family Out of It- It has to do with your man and your family. To the extent possible, let your family and partner have whatever relationship they’re going to have and stay out of the middle. Many couples have difficulties with in-laws. This can be a trap for you, leaving you stuck in the middle. Stay out of it. See the next Note From The Desk Of The Neighborhood Shrink on See the next Note from the Desk of The Neighborhood Shrink on “triangulation”.Enthusiastically Pursue a Sex Life.In the same way you may need a sense of emotional connection with your man (as well as a sexual relationship); your man needs a sexual connection with you, too. Talk about and initiate sex. If there are differences in sex drives, sexual functioning, or what defines pleasurable activity, you need to have a frank discussion about it. If discussing sex and intimacy is difficult, you need to do something about it. You may even need to find a sex therapist that can help you navigate the problem. Sex clearly is an important aspect in most long-term relationships.Don’t Feminize.With the evolution of equality since the 1950s, roles in relationships have changed. In psychology and psychotherapy there has been a lot of movement around improving communications, having men talk about their feelings, getting them to connect at an emotional level, and possibly push them into roles they’re uncomfortable with. Most men are OK with some of this. But, don’t ask your man to be your girlfriend. Women relate two women differently. If you don't already have them, find some women with similar values that can relate to you. Check your expectations about your man being everything to you.Beware the bitter girlfriend-especially in times of conflict with your man.It creates a difficult alliance for him and your relationship to overcome. If you do find a girlfriend to chat things over with- as mentioned above- make sure that she is relatively neutral in how she responds to you. Associating yourself with someone who is bitter about their current or past relationship may dissuade you from moving positively within your current relationship. Supportive friends listen without getting a lot of advice.Find Interests Outside Of Your Relationship.In many situations I hear an imbalance in activities outside of the relationship. One person in the couple will have interests in being more social, hanging with their friends, participating in group activities (sports, clubs, civic activities) and the other person may be more of a homebody. The problem is the homebody often resents their more social mate, wishing they stayed home more often. It can take on the form of emotional dependency. Step out and participate in some of the things that interest you. When doing so, also be mindful of boundaries.Encourage Him to Hang with His Boys.This shows him you trust him and helps him to maintain contact outside of the relationship. If there is an identifiable trust issue, it needs to be addressed immediately. If you resent the fact that he does not spend much time with you (thus making you angry when he goes to spend time with his friends), this needs to be addressed and resolved as well.Make Your Needs Clear.Again, this is not gender specific. In many relationships there is an expectation of mind reading. The thought that, “My man should know what I want without me having to ask”, is a misleading one. Many men are very concrete. They do not necessarily interpret abstract ideas the way you might think. They usually respond negatively to manipulation. Ask specifically for what you want and try not to be so sensitive about what the public perceives as a fragile male ego. Most men prefer very direct requests.Respect Him.There are many forms of respect. Have a conversation with him about what that means to him. Respect his space, his person, and his character. If you have no respect for him, figure out why and tell him. While this can be a difficult conversation, it is important for both of you to figure out what going on. (see See the Note from the Desk of The Neighborhood Shrink on respect in relationships).Accept His Imperfections.While he may hold himself out as Mr. Perfect, you know he is not. Allow him his reasonable imperfections without calling him on it. This is what I call benevolence. Don’t persist with what he does wrong; thank him for what he does right. You may also need to accept the fact that you may never completely understand his or the male perspective. That’s OK! He doesn’t get you completely either.Allow Him in as a Parent.I have seen countless cases where the mom spent more time with the children and resents the fact that the father isn't around more. So, when he tries to parent with his own style, she countermands what he says or cuts him off at the knees. Work with him to get him into the parenting loop instead of disrespecting him in front of the children.Look Good.I know this is a touchy subject! It does not mean you need to look like a Barbie doll or a sex object. It means that you take care of your body, and are attentive to the superficial aesthetic needs of your man. Three months ago I had a husband tell his wife in session that he was no longer attracted to her because she had gained so much weight (100 pounds). What a bombshell! It hurt her deeply-as it would most people. However, she asked him to be open and honest about what was going on. They both have a lot of work to do. In these days of working, taking care of kids, bill paying, and attempting to keep your sanity, self care may be at the bottom of your list. It needs a higher priority both for you and your man.Be Trustworthy.This probably goes without saying, but again I am not talking about the big things like cheating or stealing. This has more about being good for your word, working on being emotionally trustworthy, as well as maintaining your integrity. Don't lie. Not even a little. Women do things like fake orgasms (sometimes to stroke the male ego), don't tell their mates about significant problems at home (because they perceive their mates as not being able to handle it), and other things that have a negative impact long-term both to the relationship as well as to themselves individually. If your man can't handle the truth, that's where to begin the conversation.Easy on the Drama.Once again, this is not gender specific. If you come from a chaotic family or have a tendency to have a lot of drama in your life, there is a high probability that your man is just the opposite. (Family systems seek balance). While he can probably deal with some of the drama, he may begin to resent it and pull away emotionally. It can be very taxing on one’s psyche.Befriend His Mother.In-law issues aside, it is important to most men that their women have an understanding relationship with their mother (and their families in general). If he is distant from his family, don’t try to fix it unless he wants help. If he is overly involved with his family, this needs to be addressed. Remember, there is a difference between being walked on by his mother /or just passive and being cordial to her. Choose the latter.Do Not Put Up With His Toxic Behavior.This is a tough one and may seem a little odd to be on the Woman Up menu. On the surface, not allowing his toxic behavior is about you. But allowing for his alcoholism or severe drug abuse, gambling, his out of control raging, or his philandering harms him as well as your children. In his quieter moments he knows that he is out of control and may need you to motivate him to straighten it out. Call him on it or get out.Let Him Go to the Man Cave. Pop psychology would have us believe that men need the ability to go off on their own and think about things. This usually happens when you ask confrontational questions and he shuts up. Or, when there’s clearly something bothering him and he tells you that nothing is wrong. If this is your man, let him go away and think about it. But, get a commitment from him on when he will be willing to talk about it or when you can expect him to be back in the world with a mood adjustment.Other (write your own here)...
I am sure I have missed some subjects. You can add your own or ask your man to do so. Women, run this menu by your man and see what he checks off. Men, check off what’s important to you and run it by your woman. Let me remind you that this can be a difficult exercise. Also keep in mind the idea that there are two realities in your relationship, hers and his. Attempting to understand each other’s reality is one of the best things that you can do. Whatever you do, don't take his statements and suggestions personally. Try to listen and give honest feedback.
Eugene D. “Chip” Weiner The Neighborhood Shrink www.neighborhoodshrink.com
Chip’s practice has a no-nonsense, solution focused approach to counseling therapy and coaching for anyone who needs help.
He offers several Mental Health Professional seminars, including self care for professionals, technology for private practice, and Initial Assessment Review.
He also offers a full compliment of corporate training including Stress Management, Giving Great Customer Service, and Dealing With Difficult People.
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Disclaimer from behappy101.com: The thoughts and opinions expressed by The Neighborhood Shrink (Eugene D. "Chip" Weiner) are not necessarily those of Jimmy DeMesa, M.D., or BeHappy101.com. Jimmy edits these "notes" only for wording and grammar and, therefore, BeHappy101.com is not responsible for the content in these thoughts.
Is your marriage in trouble? Is it just not "great" and could be a bit better? If the answer to either of these questions is 'yes'...
Don’t Nag.