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Many years ago as I was first learning to ride, I took an advanced motorcycle driving class. After a couple of days of training the instructor set up an obstacle course meant to encourage us to not crash. He stood approximately 50 feet directly in front of the motorcycle with his hands down at his side. He placed a small traffic cone directly to his left and directly to his right. We (students) were to steadily accelerate straight towards him until we reached a speed of 40 miles an hour. At the last minute he would point with his left hand if he wanted us to quickly lean right, and would point with his right hand if he wanted us to quickly lean left (believe it or not he had never been run over). I had been riding for a few years so figured this was no problem. I waited my turn in line, and upon his command quickly accelerated towards him. My heart raced as I got closer and closer. At the last moment his hand came off his left side and I knew I was to break right. I did so. But, I hit the cone. He told me to try it again so I circled around and got back to the starting point. I again accelerated directly towards him, this time being directed to break left. I did so but once again hit the cone. It was frustrating! I thought I was a good driver.
He called me over and calmly told me my problem. He said, "You are doing everything correctly except for where you are looking. When you see my hand signal, you look directly at the cone that you are trying to avoid. Then you hit it. The idea in this type of maneuver is to look at where you want to go, not where you don't want to go. Stop looking at the cone. Look beyond it. Even though you are leaning the bike, keep your head up straight, your shoulders squared off, and look beyond what you don't want to run into. You already know the cone is there. You don't have to stare at it."
It worked! It was amazing. Over and over again I tried it and it worked. What a simple concept. Don’t focus on where you don’t want to go, focus on where you do want to go. It occurred to me that this is a great metaphor for living. In other words, don't focus on what you don't want to do, focus on what you strive for. So many times we get stuck being preoccupied and staring at (or obsessing about) the things we are trying to avoid. We get anxious about them, can't stop thinking about them, and hope we don't run into them. Yet, again and again, we hit the "cone". In most of these situations what we need to do is to look beyond what we are afraid of. We need to keep our heads up straight, our shoulders squared off, focus on where we are going. We can drive right past the things that we are most fearful of.
What are you focused on? What do you keep running into? What is it that hooks you every time? Is it possible for you to begin to focus on the future - on where you are going - and avoid consistently being trapped by your fear?
This concept could be used in many cases. For example, people who are very worried about losing their jobs exhibit a considerable amount anxiety at work. They have more difficulty concentrating, they are nervous around superiors, they overcompensate when they make mistakes, and have more difficulty expressing their views in annual reviews. They are more emotional at work, sometimes exhibit displaced anger, and their performance decreases. It can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. It would be so much better if they just focused on doing the best job that they could.
The same thing can happen in relationships. For example, people with significant insecurity or trust issues may consistently ask their partner about cheating or work in covert ways to affirm their fear. Their suspicion and paranoia influence them to check cell phones, look through people's e-mail and personal effects, and create a lot of disturbance within the relationship. The consistency of their fear many times eventually breaks the relationship. Their partner tires of their consistent questioning and gives up. It's hard to be around someone that doesn't trust you. Again, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. They live in fear instead of living life.
In both of these situations (and many more) fear helps nothing. They stare straight at the cone and eventually hit it. If they are going to be fired, or if their significant others are going to cheat, fearing it will not help. Doing the best job they can to do or having the best relationship that they can is the solution. So many times in life there is no predictability. Put one foot in front of the other, keep your head up straight, keep your shoulders squared off, and focus on where you want to go instead of worrying about where you don't want to go.
Much like motorcycle riding, life is risky. You can get hurt. One thing is clear. No matter what, you don't get out of life alive. Some of my clients learn to live life on life's terms, and enjoy what is in front of them. They invest fully in relationships, embrace people around them, trust those that are trustworthy, and some of them even ride motorcycles. They live to live! People living in constant fear are waiting to die. They consistently conjure up “what if” scenarios, and then actually create them. It is an immobilizing fear. My philosophy is that my day of dying is coming. I am living now! Are you living life to the fullest? Are you looking ahead and focusing on where you're going? Stop looking at the cones!
“Dance like nobody's watching; love like you've never been hurt. Sing like nobody's listening; live like it's heaven on earth."
- Mark Twain
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Disclaimer from behappy101.com: The thoughts and opinions expressed by The Neighborhood Shrink (Eugene D. "Chip" Weiner) are not necessarily those of Jimmy DeMesa, M.D., or BeHappy101.com. Jimmy edits these "notes" only for wording and grammar and, therefore, BeHappy101.com is not responsible for the content in these thoughts.
