The Principled Life:
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If you ask a six-year-old whether they should hit somebody or not they will usually say, "Oh no, my mommy says not to." (They still do it but they know that they shouldn't). If you ask a 15 year old if you should hit somebody, they will usually ask, "What did they do?" Somewhere around the age of 12 to 14 we began to develop what is called reflexive thinking. We are able to think about what we are thinking about. We begin to be challenged by the values we were handed by our parents - which many times is part of the reason for the conflict between teenagers and parents. We begin to measure whether we should hit people, smoke, do drugs or drink, have sex, etc. Much of what we do begins to be related to, and driven by, our peers. The problem with this is that at this age, we have the ability to make adult decisions, but we have great difficulty understanding the long-term implications of our decisions. Being an adolescent is about immediate gratification, not about long-term consequences.
As an adult it is important that we look back over our list of values and guiding principles since they can affect many areas of our lives – including our interpersonal relationships and our overall mental health. This may sound simplistic, but identifying these basic values can really help people make difficult decisions and get them through the hard times. Sometime today take out piece of paper and begin to write down your values and operating principles. You probably won't get them all in one sitting. Some of them may sound like "I should__________ when it comes to_________". Fill in the blanks. Try to be thorough with it over the next week and come up with your own list.
This may sound elementary to you, but many times we say to ourselves that we do live by our values, then often just sort of bounce from moment to moment reacting. If you want a good start toward understanding and dealing with this, look to the Ten Commandments. I don't mean to put a Christian spin on this, but “You Shall Not Kill”, “You Shall Not Steal”, “You Shall Not Lie” (bear false witness), “You Shall Not Commit Adultery” (cheat), is a pretty good example of a values or operating principles list. Some of these are obvious. What do you do with respect for others, being committed, and working through hard decisions instead of taking the easy way out? What about softer principles like being wasteful, greedy, or envious by comparing yourself to others? In my opinion, living by principles is the basic premise of integrity. If I'm living a principled life, my integrity is intact. And if my integrity is intact, I can have better relationships and greater peace-of-mind.
So from the therapist chair these principles are not flexible. If one of your values is to not be wasteful for example, this is all encompassing. This means that you don't waste food, you don't waste money, you don't waste time (yours or others), and you don't waste the one life that you have been given. You don't just do this sometimes. You do it consistently. You step back, look at your list, and understand the global application of your values. Like I have said before, this is easy to think about, but many times very difficult to do. Do you have a strong sense of your own integrity?
Sticking with the religious example, many people use their concept of God as, what I call, an ideal witness; a “carrier of ideals” if you will. The story goes like this: They work out a deal with their God that when they have a difficult question to answer they may call on Him (Her) for help. If they are having a difficult time making a decision, they ask their God - as their ideal witness - what they might do, knowing He or She is watching. They compare what they are thinking to their value system; and many times the decision is made. It may not be the easiest decision, but usually it is the right decision. They have many discussions with God about this type of thing, and sometimes they don't like what He or She thinks. But it seems like He always gets it right in the long run.
At some point in your life you have stepped over your own value system. We all have. You have done things that you knew would go against your principles, but did them anyway! Maybe you are doing it right now. You are acting or participating in a situation or circumstance that, in your mind, is not right. But, here you are – doing it anyway. There are always natural consequences when we do this. Think about it. When was the last time you did something like this? You knew in your head that what you were doing wasn't right but you did it anyway. Maybe you acted like an adolescent and wanted immediate gratification - not taking into consideration the longer-term implications. And, maybe the natural consequences were guilt, interpersonal problems, or perhaps you even got fired from a job. Maybe it broke up a relationship or maybe you just felt terrible after-the-fact. Possibly you went to jail! Instances like this aren't always huge. It could be something as simple as driving after drinking alcohol. You know in your gut that it's wrong, but you do it anyway. Or, you know that you should let someone off the hook or open a dialogue with them because your value is to respect others. But, your pride gets in the way and you stay quiet. There are going to be natural consequences at some point.
I would like to qualify this. The values you follow need to be your values - not the values of your parents or anyone else. As a functional adult you have the ability to establish a “living principals list”, filter out those values and principles that are no longer effective for you, and live by the ones which you decide should stay on the list. Many of us fail to take this into consideration and continue to abide by the rules and values of our parents or fail to truly live by any structure at all. Or, we just make the easy decision and live in the moment – without regard for our own values and principles. When we do so our lives can feel out of balance.
One of the more pervasive things I see in my practice these days is panic attacks. They are awful moments – sometimes frequent - where people experience racing hearts, difficulty breathing, sweaty palms, and confusion. Sometimes they describe it as they think they're having a heart attack. Panic attacks are part of an anxiety disorder. In therapy - usually inevitably - there are value conflicts going on at the core of many of these people which needs some resolution if they are going to stop having these attacks. They also need to learn a cognitive and behavioral intervention - such as relaxation - to deal with their sense of panic. It is a difficult process. Not to sound judgmental, but had they identified and lived by their values and operating principles much earlier in their life, they may have a better sense of balance now. While panic disorder is complex, 90% of it is brought on by what we think and do. And in my opinion, at least part of it is caused by values and principles conflicts.
Have you identified and established a routine of living by your values and operating principles? If you have done this and are still having consistent conflict in your interpersonal relationships, you may need to check again. If you are consistently anxious, there is something missing. In the wee hours of the morning, your "what if" or "yes but" generator starts running and you can't shut it down. You can't stop thinking. You can't stop feeling. You just can't stop.
Give yourself six-months. Change the way you operate. Live completely consistent with a “values list” that you have designed. Then, let me know if it doesn't change the way you feel. I’ll bet you'll have a greater sense of integrity, less anxiety, and people around you will begin to respect your boundaries as well. It is an awesome way to live!
Eugene D. “Chip” Weiner
The Neighborhood Shrink
www.neighborhoodshrink.com
Click on the links below to read other Notes from the Desk of the Neighborhood Shrink:
- Thoughts On “Being Happy” ... and “Change”
- The Relationship Reality Check
- Reducing Arguments in Your Relationship
- On One Condition; A Relationship "No-No"
- Have a Little Faith
- Cornerstones of a Lasting Relationship (Part One - Love and Respect)
- Cornerstones of a Lasting Relationship (Part Two - Trust and Forgiveness)
- Cornerstones of a Lasting Relationship (Part Three - Commitment)
- Thinking About Divorce?
- Listen - Just Listen ... Then Respond
- Maintaining Sanity in the Middle of Chaos (Part One: Resiliency)
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Disclaimer from behappy101.com: The thoughts and opinions expressed by The Neighborhood Shrink (Eugene D. "Chip" Weiner) are not necessarily those of Jimmy DeMesa, M.D., or BeHappy101.com. Jimmy edits these "notes" only for wording and grammar and, therefore, BeHappy101.com is not responsible for the content in these thoughts.
