Maintaining Your Sanity in the Middle of Chaos
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Click here to read Parts One and Two of the series
We all have a list of things we should or shouldn't do. It is our “to-do” list. It can be anything from losing weight to getting the oil changed in the car. There can be dozens or hundreds of things on this list. But there is a difference between having good ideas (a list) and acting upon them. Part of what I'm going to ask you to do is to define a separate list of "intent". This list is different from the “to-do” list in that it is much smaller because it only contains the things you will do. So, after you define the behaviors that are making you crazy, you must then find the motivation – and take the action necessary – to change them. You must move them from your list of good ideas to your list of intent.
Changing the Way You Behave
What do you do that contributes to a sense of chaos in your life? Do you spend too much time doing one thing (working, eating, spending) and not enough time doing others (exercising, meditating, spending time with family or friends)? Is there anything in your life you do that makes you feel out of control? If so, the simple answer is, "Cut it out". Again, life is not that simple. You have already thought of quitting your job, going on a diet, spending less money, getting more exercise, or leaving your marriage. You know that it would be helpful if you went to church more often, spent more time with your friends, or just took time to chill out. But you don't. You continue the behaviors that make you chaotic. You rationalize that you need the money, or that shopping makes you feel better and that you will exercise tomorrow. And yet at times you feel out of control. You have no resiliency because your hair is on fire.
Let's start with the easy stuff. If you have not already done so, make a list of things to do or not do. I already said most of us already have one of these lists - either physically or mentally. The problem is so many people have their to-do list but don't know how to implement it. So write it out. You may have 10 items or you may have 100. Next, prioritize them. Your priority may change tomorrow, but right now prioritize your to-do list. What is your highest priority today? Do it now. Stop reading and make your list.
The next part - and this is the hard part - is to take something from your to-do list and put it on your “list of intent”. As I mentioned previously, I separate these two because your to-do list has an abundance of things on it. But your list of intent can only have a few items because there are only 24 hours in a day. Most of the time when I talk to my clients about changing their behaviors, they look at me and say, "It's a great idea Chip, but I just don't have the time". Like I said, this is where the rubber meets the road. This is the hard part. This is where you commit to changing your behavior. This is when you stop blowing smoke - thinking what you are doing is okay - and get off of your habitual butt. This probably means breaking out your calendar and writing down the day you're going to do it. Then you need to go ahead and find a babysitter, put gas in the car, and turn off your cell phone. You need to notify the other people that will be involved, budget the money that it may cost, and tell your boss you are leaving early. Do what ever you need to do in the pre-planning stage so you have no excuses to not move forward.
The other part is to look at your motivation for change. As I mentioned in my last NSN (Part Two of this series), many times people do not change unless the pain is great enough. In recovery circles they call that hitting your own bottom. You may not be ready to change the behaviors that are making you crazy. It is better to acknowledge and accept this instead of continuing to tell yourself that you will do it - only to disappoint yourself over and over again. My point is, if you aren't really going to do it, take it off of your things-to-do list. You will reduce your stress significantly by doing so. I have had hundreds of clients who use this mode of operation. They rationalize why they cannot start today. And, their rationalizing works for a while because most rationalization has some truth to it. But eventually they hit the wall. They burn out. Their spouse threatens to leave, they run out of money, or they develop diabetes because they are eating the wrong things. They may lose their job because they are gambling too much, or lose touch with their children because they are working too much. They either tell themselves that they will fix it tomorrow or that the problem really isn't that bad.
If you have these types of issues going on there are several things you can do. First and foremost - as independent as you think you are - it is time to find long-term and indigenous support. This means surrounding yourself with people who can identify what you are going through and help you to curtail it. Alcoholics have Alcoholics Anonymous, diabetics have diabetic support groups, and people who isolate themselves have churches, sports clubs, or others in their life who attempt to understand and be supportive. Find someone who can help you press through your resistance and untangle the web of lies you have told yourself about fixing it tomorrow and find practical ways to begin to do so today. You do not need someone who feels sorry for you and tells you that everything will be okay. You need someone who is going to be honest, sometimes confrontational, and who pushes you to change. This could be a personal trainer, it could be a therapist, it may be a physician, a nutritionist, a substance-abuse counselor, or a support group for codependency, spending, gambling, sexing, and a litany of other compulsive behaviors.
Also, periodically spend time alone. Do a little introspection. Keep a journal of your thoughts about why you do what you do, and your intent to change. You often see in these NSNs recommendations to write things down. It helps our left brain teach our right brain what to do (your logic teaches your emotion). Things may seem pretty scrambled in your head from time to time, but if you will keep a journal, a diary, or a list of these things – it forces you to look at them individually and possibly helps you to take action. It may also help you define issues of which you were previously unaware. Resiliency includes attempting to maintain some sense of reality. Having problems specifically noted may help you understand your own reality. If the same problems are there six months or six years from now, you may not be focused on the right thing.
Can you make sense of why you are doing what you are doing and your resistance to change? Are you over-working because you are avoiding marital problems at home? Are you over-eating because it compensates for loneliness, boredom, or your need for comfort? Are you spending money for things you really don't need because the rest of your life seems so empty? All this stuff works until you get into the wee small hours of the morning ... those quiet moments in your mind when there is no escape from the truth. Those silent moments when you know your life is in trouble and your brain is in chaos. What is underlying your behavior? And more importantly, what are you going to do about it. You'll find it much easier to change compensatory behavior after you identify it, understand it, find some support for it, and commit to yourself to change. Once you begin to change your behavior, your optimism and hope increases as do your skills in fighting chaos.
Some Specifics
Relationships
Chaotic or traumatic relationships take away from one's ability to feel resilient. When I lecture, many times I mention the fact that we ought to limit the amount of time we spend with people of chaos. I preach that we need to limit our exposure to the toxic people in our lives. On one such occasion I had a woman stand up and tell me that the chaotic person in her life was her mother. She wondered out loud how she could ever begin to spend less time with her and be less responsible for her. She had been entangled with her mother for as long she could remember, was put into that role at a young age, and did not have the first idea on how to disconnect. As odd as this may seem to some, she was keeping this chaos in her life for some reason, but blaming the craziness on her mother. She needed it as much as her mother did. I never had an opportunity to speak with her in private, but it is apparent that, for some reason, she needed this interaction with her mother. Otherwise, she would be spending less time with her. I understand that there is an emotional attachment to our parents and that we many times feel responsible for them, but as I have mentioned many times in NSNs we are first responsible for ourselves. Decreasing our exposure to chaotic or toxic people gives us a stronger sense of resiliency. Our strength makes us better children, lovers, employees, and parents. It doesn't mean that a relationship is over; it simply means that we increase the boundaries so that we breathe in less “toxicity” and have a stronger sense of resiliency. I will tell you again; in the therapist's chair the solution is easier than it is in real life. I wonder what it would take for this woman to establish better boundaries with her mother and still feel good about their relationship.
If you have a stressful or chaotic person in your life you may need to make some difficult decisions about your relationship. Why do you need to subordinate your needs to theirs? They bring you into their chaos, but you keep going back. Time after time they complain about their problems to you and then reject any solutions that are offered. (One way to determine this is by watching the way they consistently reject solutions to problems by using “yes-but” language or failing to deal with an easily resolvable problem). These types of people often give double messages and are well versed in the go-away-come-closer dance. They may look to you for advice at first, but it will usually go unheeded. They need the intimate people in their life to be less problem-solving and more into the drama. If you take on that role it is on you. You give them answers, or advice, or a listening ear, and all they do is reject your solutions. Yet, you keep going back. What's the deal Captain Chaos?
What this behavioral change will involve is ... spending less time with chaotic people. It is time to inform your mother that you have thought long and hard about your current life and have decided to begin exercising three times a week which will in turn not allow as much time to spend with her. It is time to tell that long-time friend - the one who expects pretty much a one-sided relationship where you do all of the listening and contacting and they do all of the complaining - that you have found other pieces of your life left unfulfilled. And while you still wish to keep them in your circle of friends, you're going to spend more time in your kayak or taking that pottery class that you have always dreamed of. Replace your chaos with intent. Replace your craziness with healthy activity. Change the things you do that bring you regret, shame, or madness, and your sense of chaos will decrease.
Out of Control Work/Life Balance
A lot of writing, research, and opinions about work/life balance have come out over the past several years. Working America is beginning to realize that it's not all about the money (many other countries figured this out long ago). For the first time in the industrial history of the United States there are four generations in the workforce. And, for the first time, work/life balance is becoming increasingly important due to the generational differences of this workforce. While it is still speculation, people who have joined the workforce in the 21st century will be less committed to their jobs, will have 7-9 career changes - versus the historical 2-3, and have a high potential to be less motivated by material gains. At some level, their approach is very different psychologically. If you look at more modern companies (Google floats to the top for some reason for me) they are more progressive at addressing work/life balance for their employees. This includes things such as providing child care on site, flexible schedules, the ability to work from home, and fewer levels on the organizational chart. They realize that chaotic (unhappy) employees do not make good employees (for much more on this topic, click here to get a free copy of Jimmy’s introductory e-book called BeHappy! at Work).
A strong work ethic is important. However, if your job is causing chaos in your life or your family, it's time to stop and reassess. You don't get this time back. I am not one of those who believe that money is unimportant. I'm not one of those who believe that if you simply follow your dreams, the money follows. All I need to do is look at the statistics. Eighty percent of new businesses fail within the first two years. To put it in terms of a country song, what do you want on your headstone? He/she was a good worker, or he/she was a great human?
I can tell you that people who report a greater balance in their life, have a higher satisfaction in the quality of their life, and are more emotionally balanced, both enjoy their jobs more and have defined the differences between their material needs and the other aspects of their life. I will not go into detail specifically. I'll just ask that you look at the examples in this series related to folks who have let their jobs practically kill them, and then make some decisions now about behavioral changes you need to make (up to and including leaving your job or working less hours) as you consider the long-term repercussions of your current behavior. Leaving a job or decreasing your hours can be difficult. But when you look at the long-term implications related to resiliency and the decrease of the chaos in your life, it may be necessary. So often this is where the people I counsel roll their eyes back in their head and say, “Chip, you just do not get it. I can't just quit my job". I usually smile at them, nod affirmatively, and remind myself of the Zen proverb, "When the student is ready the lesson well make sense". (NOTE: again, click here to get a free copy of the introductory e-book – BeHappy! at Work – which deals with this difficult “work” issue).
What we do in our day-to-day lives becomes habitual. Making changes in these habits can be very difficult. How are your ABCs? (see Part Two of this series). What beliefs, behaviors, or situations do you need to change to decrease the chaos in your life and increase your resiliency for the long run? If you have thoughts or questions about this series, please leave a comment in the “comment section” below (scroll down to the bottom of this page).
Eugene D. “Chip” Weiner
The Neighborhood Shrink
www.neighborhoodshrink.com
Click on the links below to read other Notes from the Desk of the Neighborhood Shrink:
- Thoughts On “Being Happy” ... and “Change”
- The Relationship Reality Check
- Reducing Arguments in Your Relationship
- On One Condition; A Relationship "No-No"
- The Principled Life: Affects on Your Relationships and Mental Health
- Have a Little Faith
- Cornerstones of a Lasting Relationship (Part One - Love and Respect)
- Cornerstones of a Lasting Relationship (Part Two - Trust and Forgiveness)
- Cornerstones of a Lasting Relationship (Part Three - Commitment)
- Thinking About Divorce?
- Listen – Just Listen; Then Respond
- Maintaining Your Sanity in the Middle of Chaos (Part One)
- Maintaining Your Sanity in the Middle of Chaos (Part Two)
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Disclaimer from behappy101.com: The thoughts and opinions expressed by The Neighborhood Shrink (Eugene D. "Chip" Weiner) are not necessarily those of Jimmy DeMesa, M.D., or BeHappy101.com. Jimmy edits these "notes" only for wording and grammar and, therefore, BeHappy101.com is not responsible for the content in these thoughts.
