Maintaining Your Sanity in the Middle of Chaos
|
To improve your life, click on any of the pictures below which represent areas of your life which you need to make better: |
Maintaining Sanity in the Middle of Chaos (Resiliency)
Calming your mind.
Are you anxious? Are you a worrier? Do you toss and turn at night because you just can't stop thinking? The problem is your brain is doing what it is supposed to be doing-thinking-but you can't shut down the machine. Right now you may be experiencing big problems in your life and are preoccupied by what to do. You can’t stop obsessing about how to fix it. Even more likely, this is a pattern with you often have trouble slowing down your thoughts. Yet right now, in this moment, it can't be fixed.
Clients come into my office on a daily basis and complain that they cannot stop thinking about certain situations or problems. They obsess about their problems all day and then worry about them all night.
It is possible to change the rapidness and intensity of your thoughts but it takes a significant amount of practice. From a personal and clinical standpoint, one of the best ways to deal with internal chaos and create resiliency is by calming your mind. It is called mindfulness. Mindfulness-usually associated with meditation-keeps you in the here and now instead of in the there and then. It trains you to stop thinking so much and just be. John Kabat-Zinn1,2 has written several very effective books on mindfulness. My favorite is, “Where Ever You Go There You Are”. He also wrote the book, “Full Catastrophe Living.”
For those of you who think that mindfulness or meditation might be just a little too cosmic, here is a good story for you. John (Kabat-Zinn) was involved in a stress clinic at a cardiac Institute in New York. He would have a room full of thinkers-doctors, attorneys, people who use their brains a lot-but had also suffered from heart attacks and other stress related problems. As most people know, research indicates that there is a strong link between stress and cardiovascular disease. Anyway, John directed this clinic. He would walk into the room with these powerful people and pass around a box of raisins. He would then ask every one of them to take a raisin out of the box, place it on their tongue and hold it between the tip of their tongue and the roof of their mouth. Then he would ask them all to just focus their thoughts on the raisin. As you might imagine, these powerful people just rolled their eyes and looked at him as though he had lost his mind. They could not believe that this was the “cure” for their stress. Focusing on a raisin seemed so insignificant when they were dealing with a life-threatening disease, and had a dozen other things they needed to do that day. But essentially what he would say to them is, “If you are so smart, just focus on the raisin”. And, as you might guess, none of them could do it. As they began to attempt to just think about the raisin the thought about having to return an e-mail, how silly they must look, or a dozen other ideas would drift through their brain. They could not stop their thinking. The simple idea of focusing on the raisin wasn't simple at all. Over the course of their eight week training they eventually substituted the raisin for their breathing, focusing on when they inhale and exhale. They slowly learned how to curtail their thoughts and just be in the moment. They learned that they could use this type of cognitive intervention any time they were beginning to feel stressed, anxious, or their body was leaving a homeostatic state.
Westerners seem to have a great deal of suspicion about this notion-possibly because it seems so simple. Or maybe they think of meditation/mindfulness stereotypically as wearing fancy robes and chanting. But what would it be like for you if you could begin to control your rushing thoughts, your “what if” generator, and the chaos that you create in your own mind? It is possible!
If you wish to calm your mind, find a meditation class, find a therapist who is trained in relaxation and hypnosis, or buy one of Kabat-Zinns books and attempt to create your own path. It is my experience, though, that without some formal training, mindfulness is much more difficult to learn. Take a couple of classes and get the basics. You'll be amazed at the comprehensive effect it has on your life and the way you think. Come on, break out of your Western mind! If your brain is currently chaotic, your current system isn't working. Try something new!
There are other things you can do to help you change your thinking as well. If my clients label themselves as worrier's or anxious, I give them a worry or anxiety log. It is a piece of paper where they can record situations, people, and instances in which they worry and feel out of control. (I have attached a sample log to this Neighborhood Shrink Note – click here for the log). I also ask them to rate the amount of worry or anxiety they may have. Knowing the specific situations helps them begin to create more awareness of their triggers.
People will say to me they are "always worried”. As I mentioned before, no one is ever “always” anything. By increasing awareness around times and situations that make them anxious or worried helps people deal specifically with those situations. They may choose to avoid them or take a different attitude when dealing with them. What is clear though is that as soon as they feel they have a better sense of control over problematic situations, their chaos decreases. They feel less insanity. The situations didn't change. The way they think about them did.
Once clients have identified specific situations or people that bring them chaos, I have them start working on a “psychology 101” project. It is the basis of Cognitive Psychotherapy Theory. It's as simple as the ABC's...
A (the Activating event) + B (the Belief) = C (the Conclusion)
Here’s an example: William sought treatment from me two years ago due to anxiety. As we looked at his life and defined the different dimensions of it, it became apparent that his primary chaos was coming from his very difficult and stressful job. He was working 80 hours a week, felt unappreciated, and was slowly losing his family. He had begun to drink heavily, had gained 40 pounds, and his doctor warned him that his blood pressure was through the roof (he only went once because he did not like what he was told). From the outside looking in the answer was obvious. He would either need to find a way to divest himself to some degree from his job, or change jobs.
I often lecture for hundreds of people in major corporations. Many times I'm asked to speak about stress management. In front of powerful CEOs and other board members I will say to the crowd, "If you are being paid for 40 hours a week and consistently working 80 hours a week, you need to quit your job!" I have never been led out by security or had a CEO tell me to never come back. This is because they know that someone working 80 hours a week is on a self-imposed schedule. They are either workaholics, or obsessed with their job. As mentioned above, many times they are also diverting away from home (or some other major problem in their life) and working instead. This is not to say that you should not work overtime. Almost every job requires it these days. If you work 80 hours a week sometimes that's okay. Again what needs to be taken into consideration is psychosocial distress. Is your work affecting your physical, emotional, or spiritual health? Is it detrimental to your family, your social life, or does it cause significant chaos in your life? That's where you must draw the line. Back to William...
William’s “A” (activating event) was his stressful, difficult, and unrewarding job. Williams “B” (belief) was that he could not possibly leave his job because in this economy he could never find one where he could make as much money, have as much seniority, and get the benefits of his current job. Besides, he “ought” to be able to handle it. He’s been there for 15 years. William’s “C” (conclusion) was that he must stay stuck, anxious, stressed, and feel chaotic.
Sometimes there is very little we can do about the activating event or the conclusion, but looking at those first are helpful. What we need to focus on many times is our belief system (what we are thinking). William was very resistant to any type of change due to his belief system. He knew he could not leave his job. He knew there was no other answer, or that it would get better, or that he would figure it out. After a month he stopped coming to therapy because we kept coming back to the same conclusion. This was not some deep-seated psychological problem. This was a specific and identifiable issue. It was cataclysmic chaos.
Three months later William suffered a major heart attack. It actually took a life-threatening health issue and a stay in the hospital to get him to pay attention to what was really going on. His belief system almost killed him.
In his book "Awaken the Giant Within", Anthony Robbins3 (a great book) talks about change. Essentially what he says is that people change when the pain is great enough. We all know what we "ought” to do. It's finding the motivation to do it that seems so problematic. William’s change came after a near death experience. Now that is a lot of pain!
After his hospitalization William came back to my office. He wanted my help in laying out a plan of short- and moderate-term goals, as he was ready to begin to look for a different job. He finally got it! There was chaos in his life and he felt powerless to change it. We laid out a plan. He began to consider his finances (how much money he needed), where he could cut back, and what long-term benefit he would get if he was able to find a new job. One of the biggest steps he took was letting his family help out (he stopped being the hero). With in a week he felt better emotionally. It took him a little while to find another job, but as soon as he began to change his belief system-understanding that he did not have to stay at his current job - his chaos decreased, as did his stress and sense of powerlessness. His wife was able to feel involved and close again, and his 16 year old son... well... some chaos continued.
Are you ready to give this a try? Have you identified the pieces of your life that bring you chaos? Have you looked at the ABC's of your thought process? How does your belief system contribute to your chaos? Do you believe that you have to stay close to your family of origin-which has always been chaotic-just because they are your family? Do you feel like you always need to be in control-even though you know you can’t? Do you stay in a thankless job, spend too much time with negative or chaotic people, or think you “ought” to be able to handle impossible situations and refuse the help of those around you? How’s that going for you?
Changing the way we think is not easy. However, there are cognitive techniques that we can use that will assist in decreasing our perceived chaos. Can you learn to calm your own mind? Can you begin to challenge your own belief systems? Are you willing to ask for assistance to get a better understanding of how to do these things if you need it? Remember, chaos does not exist out here in the world: it is squarely between your ears! Learning these techniques will contribute significantly to your long-term resiliency to counterbalance the challenges of your life.
The next part of this series (Part Three) addresses changing behaviors that bring chaos into our lives. Click here to go to Part Three.
1Kabat-Zinn, Jon, Ph.D (1995) Where Ever You Go There You Are. Hyperion
2Kabat-Zinn, Jon Ph.D (1990) Full Catastrophe Living: Using the Wisdom of Your Body and Mind to Face Stress, Pain, and Illness. Delta
3Robbins, Anthony (1991). Awaken the Giant Within: How to Take Immediate Control of Your Mental, Emotional, Physical and Financial Destiny! New York. Summit Books
Eugene D. “Chip” Weiner
The Neighborhood Shrink
www.neighborhoodshrink.com
Click here to return to the full list of Notes From the Desk of The Neighborhood Shrink
Click here to return to the BeHappy101.com homepage
Chip’s practice has a no-nonsense, solution focused approach to counseling therapy and coaching for anyone who needs help. |
Have A Comment or Question for
The Neighborhood Shrink?
Do you have a question, comment, or thought for The Neighborhood Shrink? Go for it!
Click here to return to the BeHappy101.com homepage
Disclaimer from behappy101.com: The thoughts and opinions expressed by The Neighborhood Shrink (Eugene D. "Chip" Weiner) are not necessarily those of Jimmy DeMesa, M.D., or BeHappy101.com. Jimmy edits these "notes" only for wording and grammar and, therefore, BeHappy101.com is not responsible for the content in these thoughts.
