The Relationship Reality CheckNotes from the Desk of |
| “Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.” - Albert Einstein |
To improve your life, click on any of the pictures below which represent areas of your life which you need to make better: |
A couple comes in to my office, for example, sits down, and the husband (euphemistically) tells me that the earth is square. He describes its corners, its dimensions, and its weight. The wife on the other hand will tell me that the earth is flat. She will tell me of its smooth surfaces and its sharp edges. He will then commence giving me supporting evidence as to how the Earth is square and she will show me her research from the Internet, the library and other valuable sources on how the Earth is flat. Who is right? Whose concept is best? The answer is that they both are – from their own perspectives. They give me their perceptions and they are very real.
Either way, there are two realities here; hers and his. They are both correct. The problem is not that they have two realities or that they are both wrong or right; the problem is that they have difficulty accepting one another's perceptions and fail to attempt to understand what the other reality looks like. They will tell me that the problem is communication, but many times they are communicating fine. The failure, most times, is in their attempt to understand each others perceptions combined with the need to be right.
She will tell me how he never helps around the house, while he complains that they never have sex. She will retort that they never have sex because she is too tired, and he will insult her by asking why she is so tired since she never does anything. When I ask if this is what they do it home they both reply, "yes."
I ask the wife if she knows what her husband is going to say next, and she will tell me pretty much verbatim. Why? Because they have had this argument so many times before. They are communicating! They are just not seeing each others’ reality. And when I ask how it ends at home, they will tell me that they tell each other to “F-off”, that they need to break up, or one of them just stops speaking - and gets up and leaves. Now there is one more issue unresolved between them because they did not come to a solution this time either. They both try to defend their positions instead of attempting to understand where the other one is coming from. It is a staring contest of epic proportions and both of them refuse to blink. When their beliefs are challenged, they get defensive. They both get so hung up on proving their perceptions correct that they fail to take into consideration what the other is thinking. They don’t even try. They get stuck on needing to defend their pride.
We all get self-righteous at times. We get on our soapbox and pronounce that we are right and think that everyone needs to agree. Do you do this with your significant other consistently? How about with the other people in your life? Do you fail to concern yourself with the way that they view the world? Do you comprehend their operating system, their history, and why they see things the way that they do? Listen to yourself. You will say things like, "Yes but...” Stop for a minute. Remind yourself that there are more realities than your own. Trying to understand where somebody else is coming from is not the same as having to agree with them. There are two realities in your relationship. Do you work hard to understand the other one? Have you given some consideration to what this conflict is all about? See Notes from the Desk of the Neighborhood Shrink on Reducing Arguments in Your Relationship. Also, see Change Your Rules to BeHappy! for more on this general subject.
If you'll begin to put your brain through this filter, you will find that things smooth out. Your mate wants to be understood not argued with. I can almost guarantee that if you begin to listen consistently to what they are saying and understand their perspective – regardless of how different it may be from yours, they will begin to reciprocate. There are at least two motivations for you to try this. First, it will bring an improvement to your relationship. Secondly - and possibly more importantly if you have children - there is nothing better that you can model for your kids than managing conflict by attempting to understand others. Your enemy is not your significant other; your enemy may be your pride.
| “We Have Met the Enemy and He Is Us” - Walt Kelly |
Eugene D. “Chip” Weiner
The Neighborhood Shrink
www.neighborhoodshrink.com
Click here to return to the full list of Notes From the Desk of The Neighborhood Shrink
Click here to return to the BeHappy101.com homepage
Chip’s practice has a no-nonsense, solution focused approach to counseling therapy and coaching for anyone who needs help. |
Have A Comment or Question for
The Neighborhood Shrink?
Do you have a question, comment, or thought for The Neighborhood Shrink? Go for it!
Click here to return to the BeHappy101.com homepage
Disclaimer from behappy101.com: The thoughts and opinions expressed by The Neighborhood Shrink (Eugene D. "Chip" Weiner) are not necessarily those of Jimmy DeMesa, M.D., or BeHappy101.com. Jimmy edits these "notes" only for wording and grammar and, therefore, BeHappy101.com is not responsible for the content in these thoughts.
