Relationship Beginnings:
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It is this sensation that I suspect gets people “hooked” at the start of a relationship. But as time passes and the thrill potentially diminishes, there can be a letdown. At this point, some move on to the next relationship and start all over again in order to feel the excitement again. For many, however, the initial bond set during courtship leads to a longer relationship.
I suppose you could look at this as one of nature's tricks. The initial attraction and positive feelings help to establish and sustain a potential longer-term relationship (even after these “physiological” effects diminish). I guess it's sort of like the natural way we find babies so adorable.
So if you are considering a new relationship, step back for a minute and take some of these things into consideration. Try to reestablish your global view of the situation and look at what is happening dynamically. So many times I hear people say to me - after the end of a relationship - that they never saw “it” coming. They suggest that the personality of their lover changed over the course of the relationship and this caused the relationship failure. However, consistently, there are markers of personality dynamics evident early on that may or may not affect a relationship. In any new relationship, therefore, it is important that you identify these “personality markers” right away.
Here is just one example of dynamics that are evident early, yet we can fail to take into consideration the possible long-term impact on the relationship. There are hundreds of other examples. I have mentioned in other Notes from the Desk of the Neighborhood Shrink that - at a superficial level - men pursue women of youth and beauty and women pursue men of means and stability. If you look at this in evolutionary terms it naturally makes sense. Primitively, a man would seek a woman of youth as she would generally be healthier and have more longevity to bear children. Women would seek men of means as they could support and provide for the family. Even in modern times some of these primitive ideas make sense.
The trouble may start when-in modern relationships-the tides turn. In other words, the superficiality of beauty and material cannot bear the weight of the reality of life and the rest of the relationship – and so it ends. It might look something like this:
Chad and Denise met at a neighborhood party thrown by a couple of their mutual friends. Chad is a successful, hard-working man who owns his own business, has significant material wealth, and is very socially connected with his friends. His cell phone and laptop are his constant companions. Denise is a stunning woman brought up in a middle-class home. She is used to being catered to by men because of her beauty, and spends a great deal of time on her appearance. The beginning of their relationship is very positive. Their friends tell them what a great couple they make together, they spend a lot of time "seeing and being seen", and are both excited to have found each other.
A year later they have moved in with each other and are strongly considering getting married. But then, the polish begins to come off. Denise is consistently upset because Chad spends way too much time working and with “his” friends. They are not going out half as much as they used to. Chad appears preoccupied with the day-to-day operations of his business and Denise senses the emotional distance. Chad on the other hand believes that Denise complains too much about his working, spends way too much money on clothing and make up, and does not understand what it takes to run a business. He also senses the emotional distance.
Step back and look at these dynamics. Superficially, Chad wants a woman who looks like she shops on Fifth Avenue but buys her stuff at Wal-Mart. He worked hard for his money and does not mind spending it on material goods, but is also relatively conservative about it (his terms). Denise wants a man of wealth and means but does not want him to spend too much time gaining it. She believes that the things they do should be done together. She does not understand why he needs to spend so much time with his friends.
Also consider the personality characteristics here (and understand the degree to which I am stereotyping). Fifth Avenue shoppers often are very externalized about how they think of themselves (it's what's on the outside that counts). How she looks is a big part of her identity. Her beauty has gotten her a long way. She may never have established a strong base of ego strength (some people call this self-esteem) because she has always gotten by superficially. Short and longer term issues will arise from her outlook. As her beauty fades, so may her identity.
The personality of the overachievers is also externalized. Much of his identity comes from what he considers to be “success”. The art of the deal is what he lives by. He gets his identity from what he has (sometimes the trophy date) and what he does. Material success and control of that success is everything. In many ways it is similar to the female counterparts because so much depends on what other people see and believe about them versus who they really are inside. Both can be a formula for failure because beauty fades and wealth only goes so far and may disappear all together.
This superficiality in a relationship rarely lasts. If it is all this couple has to offer each other, they will stay together only until they are no longer of value to one another. They will then go about finding someone else who can fulfill their superficial need. If the relationship does last, it will be because one of them either subordinates themselves to the other, or they spend a significant amount of time looking inward, finding common bonds, and beginning to gain their sense of security from their relationship instead of how others see them.
What about you? Does any of this apply? I have no illusion that physical attraction isn't an important element in the start of many relationships. We usually see the surface first. Being physically attractive can be important to initiating the path for a longer-term relationship. Also finding someone with whom we feel emotionally, financially, and physically secure can be important. With that sense we are able to move forward in a longer-term relationship.
Take a minute and step back. Look beyond the superficial aspects of the situation. In the beginning of a relationship, understand your new partner’s personality more dynamically. Look at the way the two of you relate and why you relate. Do you see any repeat patterns? It is possibly more important that you look in the mirror and ask questions about your motivation for the relationship versus the motivation of your partner? Are you paying attention to the structure of your relationship at a deeper level? Or, are you lost in those good feelings with your eyes wide shut? Are there any red or yellow flags that you might need to discuss?
There is superficiality in most relationships. However, after the initial romance, becoming emotionally connected with trust, love, and respect is what is most important for a long-term partnership. Look for things that will sustain your relationship for the long haul and start them now.
Eugene D. “Chip” Weiner
The Neighborhood Shrink
www.neighborhoodshrink.com
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Disclaimer from behappy101.com: The thoughts and opinions expressed by The Neighborhood Shrink (Eugene D. "Chip" Weiner) are not necessarily those of Jimmy DeMesa, M.D., or BeHappy101.com. Jimmy edits these "notes" only for wording and grammar and, therefore, BeHappy101.com is not responsible for the content in these thoughts.
