Reducing Arguments in Your RelationshipNotes from the Desk of |
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We sometimes have difficulty using this same rationale in our intimate relationships. People who are closest to us can push our buttons faster than anyone else. If you want to reduce your arguments give the following some consideration.
If a conflict erupts, immediately go into your brain and ask yourself if this is a difference of opinion or a solvable problem. Deciding this is relatively simple. If it is a solvable problem you ought to be able to come up with a compromised solution. If it is a difference of opinion, the argument will likely continue. Have fun!
For example, Fred says that the Red Sox are the best. Tony believes that The Tampa Bay Rays are the epitome of baseball. They can argue until they are blue in the face, throw statistics at each other, and banter back and forth until they get tired. This is a difference of opinion. It is not a solvable problem.
Fred then goes home and, after looking through the credit card bills, tells his wife that they should start paying more attention to finances at the house. Beth, his wife, states that it really is not a problem because they both make enough money to cover the bills and have some left over. Besides, she shops to reduce stress.
What is the solution here? If they were to follow the ideas in my note called Relationship Reality Check, they will attempt to understand each other's perceptions and move towards a solution. Fred may ask that they start putting $500 away each month so that he is more comfortable with their savings plan. Beth may ask that she have an equal amount to spend as she pleases. They may need to massage this a little bit more so that both of them have some comfort level with the solution. Inevitably they are both going to be slightly outside of their comfort zone - Fred because Beth is still spending money and Beth because Fred is restricting her from doing so. However, it is a solution. Fred is saving and Beth still has some freedom to spend.
Remember what I said earlier. In the therapist’s chair many times solutions are easy and ideal. This sounds like the perfect solution and overly simplistic, right? But identifying a solution is not always the problem. In my experience, being willing to sit down and find a compromise is a bigger challenge. Many times we get self-righteous and do not want to give in. If a power struggle in the relationship is evolving, and gets big enough, we won't compromise because the other side won't either. (See note called: On One Condition - A Relationship No-No).
Are you willing and able to do this when a fight starts? Are you able to divide the conflicts in your life into differences of opinion and solvable problems? If so, are you able to sit down and compromise over the solution? How are you at “getting out of your comfort zone”?
If you are a complainer, a nagger, a whiner, or a worrier, you are going to have more difficulty with this. Your partner is going to have problems finding solutions with you because their perspective is that all you do is complain. (They may have said this to you). If you are going to present a problem, do you also pose a reasonable solution? You may need to get a filter over how much you complain. Then watch your partner's eyes. When they begin to roll back into their head while you are speaking, they are on overload. Back off and try again with a solution focused approach instead of complaining.
If you are an avoider or a minimizer - and you say things like “It’s no big deal.”- you are going to have difficulty with this. Problems build up daily but you don’t engage in a solution because it is such a hassle and will only lead to a fight. People with this thought process are usually really good problem solvers. They just get hung up on compromising, thinking their solutions are the right ones. Just try this technique one time. Put your brain in neutral, ask your partner to sit down and discuss a solution. If things start to escalate, put it aside for the moment but come back to it and find a solution. Many times when people call a time out they never come back. Again there will be another problem swept under the rug until it gets tripped over again. You are smart. Find a compromise.
We all know relationships are hard work – even the best ones. Being able to reduce arguments – and to “argue well” when conflicts arise – is an important part of maintaining a happy, healthy relationship.
So, as with parenting, choose your battles in your relationship. And when a conflict does arise, work toward an ability to determine whether the disagreement is a difference of opinion or a solvable problem. Then, use some of the thoughts here, and in my Relationship Reality Check note, to come to a calmer, more reasonable, compromised solution.
Eugene D. “Chip” Weiner
The Neighborhood Shrink
www.neighborhoodshrink.com
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Disclaimer from behappy101.com: The thoughts and opinions expressed by The Neighborhood Shrink (Eugene D. "Chip" Weiner) are not necessarily those of Jimmy DeMesa, M.D., or BeHappy101.com. Jimmy edits these "notes" only for wording and grammar and, therefore, BeHappy101.com is not responsible for the content in these thoughts.
