On One Condition; A Relationship "No-No"Notes from the Desk of |
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This can be the beginning of a power struggle. And if the struggle grows, it can turn out to be an emotional tug-of-war that nobody wins. That doesn't mean they don't keep trying. Most of the time we don't even recognize we are doing it until someone calls us on it.
Do you do this? Do you “give” of your own accord in your relationship or do you wait and respond to the way that your partner is acting? Have your behaviors and attitudes towards giving to the relationship changed? Do you know what living and loving conditionally is (versus unconditionally)?
Let's say your birthday is coming up. I decide that I'm going to buy you two tickets to your favorite concert. However when I give them to you I tell you that I really want to go. This is a conditional gift. There are strings attached. You can enjoy it as long as I get to enjoy it with you.
We do this in relationships. Sometimes it sounds like; "I was going to cook dinner but I've decided not to since you have been a jerk all day". Or one might say, “If you are angry at me I will be angry at you. If you don't speak to me I will not speak to you." Do you hear the conditions? I will be on your side if you are on my side. After this tug-of-war begins, many times couples in trouble act in response to what one another is doing. They make a conditional relationship out of it.
My style of psychotherapy can be somewhat confrontational. When couples do this, I ask them why they do things that they do. They will tell me that, "I did it because she did it. I cheated because she cheated on me first". Or they may say "Why should I try to make our relationship better when he doesn't. I'm not going to put more effort into this relationship than he does". It's back to the epic staring contest that neither of them intends to lose.
On the other hand unconditional love is a fantasy*. The closest that comes in human form is the love of a mother towards a child. But being completely unconditional in our love is not generally possible. So you probably need to build into your formula some flexibility on the conditions under which you can more positively participate in your relationship.
Listen; there are times in every relationship when your partner is not very loving, you don't find them attractive, they're difficult to get along with, and the inclination is to give them what they deserve (give them what they are giving). Being unconditional in this instance is not reciprocating with what they are giving but understanding what they need. Sometimes the people that are hardest to love need it most.
Want to know how to change? The answer is simple and complex at the same time.
The first thing you need to do is identify a list of at least 10 values or operating principles by which you are going to live your life.
These are not just about your relationships but about the structure of your life in general.The cool part is that they are mostly already there. You just need to bring them to the forefront and begin to abide by them. The laws in the United States are based on some of these principles and are pretty much biblical references. Mine might sound like, I will not kill, I will not lie, I will not cheat, I will treat others with respect regardless of the way they treat me. I will not intentionally hurt the people I love, I will accept my imperfection, and I will make genuine and sincere apologies when I screw up. (Man, I sound like a Boy Scout). These are pretty basic values but they have a tendency to become transparent in relationships. Think about it. Have you ever lied to your spouse, partner, or significant other? Have you ever done something distrustful towards them? Have you ever intentionally hurt them? Do you openly, honestly, and sincerely apologize when you blow it? Are you able to put your head down on the pillow at night and tell yourself that your integrity is intact? Did you do what you needed to do to keep your relationship world spinning in a positive direction? If not, that's OK. But wake up tomorrow and get busy making positive changes if the relationship is important to you.
When you're attempting to resolve problems within your relationship, stop and reflect back on your operating principles. “I treat you with respect” means that no matter what you do I treat you respectfully. Again this may sound trite but think about how difficult this is. How do I turn the other cheek when I have been hurt by you? First, I must realize that respect is one of my values (as described above). Next, I must remember that treating you with respect does not mean that I need to subject myself to being hurt again. I may need to create some physical or emotional distance, no longer have you in my inner circle, or have a very in depth discussion on what I need from you in order to get things back on track. Being respectful does not mean being passive or acting like a doormat.
Most of us react. It’s natural. You hurt me and I get angry. I may walk away or defend myself. I may carry a grudge against you, cop an attitude with you, or treat you in some other passive-aggressive way. In any case I get to pay you back. I forget my principles and treat you conditionally rather than unconditionally.
Can you see how this would torpedo a relationship? Both parties gain a sense of entitlement, treat each other conditionally, and refuse to blink. This is a “no-no” for a relationship. So if you are finding yourself in this situation, here is what I would like you to try:
The next time you feel challenged, hurt, or angry - don't react. You heard me, don't react! Give your partner the chance to finish venting, acting out, or accusing you of whatever they believe you did. Don't escalate it (I told you this was hard). Take an hour, a day, or whatever time you need to reflect on what outcome you want from this. Look over your values and principles – then act accordingly. Step back and attempt to find a compromise for the problem instead of defending your position. Try to make sure that you have read my note called: The Relationship Reality Check. Attempt to understand your partner's reality and go from there.
As I said before, this is not easy. The emotions involved – along with our nature as human beings to defend our pride – makes it very difficult not to react. This takes practice, and effort. But it’s worth it. It can literally save a relationship. So, use this – along with some of my other “relationship notes” and the strategies found on this website to help you build a much stronger, unconditional relationship.
*There is usually something that others we really love will do that will cause us to lose affection with them. To be extreme, sometimes this results in murder, an extramarital affair, or some other egregious act. But, trust can be broken simply by consistently lying to your partner. Whatever it is, our love becomes a condition on how they act.
Eugene D. “Chip” Weiner
The Neighborhood Shrink
www.neighborhoodshrink.com
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Disclaimer from behappy101.com: The thoughts and opinions expressed by The Neighborhood Shrink (Eugene D. "Chip" Weiner) are not necessarily those of Jimmy DeMesa, M.D., or BeHappy101.com. Jimmy edits these "notes" only for wording and grammar and, therefore, BeHappy101.com is not responsible for the content in these thoughts.
