Listen - Just Listen ...
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It seems that when Greg was 15 years old he was visiting his grandfather who the entire family knew was dying soon. Both he and his grandfather were out on a rowboat alone. Greg took the opportunity to look up at his grandfather and ask, "Grandpa, is there anything that I should know about your life?" Greg's grandfather looked sternly out into space, took several minutes and finally looked at him and said: "Never miss a good opportunity to shut up". I love this phrase. While it may seem a little harsh it contains such wisdom.
For most people, being in a balanced relationship really helps them Be Happy. Clearly there are several things that get in the way of good relationships. As I have mentioned in other NSNs (Neighborhood Shrink Notes), couples often complain of communication problems. While it is clear to me that they are communicating, there are distinct failures in listening. People do not to take the opportunity to "just shut up". I must also clarify that there is a difference between hearing and listening even when being quiet. You can hear a bird sing outside of your window and do not need to respond to it. However listening, active, attentive, accurate listening requires intent. It also requires that you not get hung up on offensive or defensive listening tactics. I'm going to list what I consider some of these most prominent of these problems. Check yourself against them. When your mate, your boss, your friends, or anyone else is speaking to you, do you do any of the following?
Rehearsing: Rehearsing is going over in your head how you are going to respond while the other person is still speaking. It can be an offensive process. It is usually done in order to hurry the dialogue along. It gets in the way of listening because you are thinking of your response instead of paying attention to what is being said. It is often used in combination with mind reading (see below). Many times it gets triggered by a phrase or an idea that the speaker has said. If we are conflicted with someone and they begin to present us with a problem, many times we will begin forming a solution before we have even heard the entire problem. Other times it is a defense mechanism. As soon as it feels like we are being blamed for something, we began to conjure up what we are going to say to defend ourselves instead of simply listening to what the presenter has to say. Remember, understanding what someone is saying is not the same thing as agreeing with what someone has said. One of the ways to avoid rehearsing is by listening to what the speaker has to say and then taking a moment to think about how we wish to respond before doing so. It allows us a few seconds to go over what was said and formulate a response instead of having to rehearse it in our brains while they are speaking. So, taking an opportunity to shut up not only means vocally, but also to quiet the voice in our mind for a moment.
Mind Reading: This offensive listening tactic happens most often with people who are very familiar with each other. They think they know what the person is thinking and what they are going to say. One of the ways you can check yourself on this is if you finish sentences for other people or give them an answer before they have finished asking their question. It can lead to considerable frustration and a significant decrease in understanding. It is not listening. One of the ways around this obviously is to not assume that you know what the other person is saying. Take this opportunity to be quiet until they have finished saying what it is they have a say and then respond.
The inverse of this problem is also seen very often with couples. It is where mind reading is expected. People who expect mind reading say things like, "He/she ought to know what I'm thinking. Why should I have to ask?" The one who expects others to mind read is frustrated because they are not getting what they want. The person from whom the mind reading is expected walks around feeling as though they can do nothing right. They attempt to satisfy the needs of the other person, but fail to do so because they don't know exactly what is expected.
Being Right: Talk about defensive listening... this is one of the biggest. If you think you are right-no, you know you are right-and you are stuck on proving yourself, you are not listening. This is a big problem for people in a power struggle. The need to be right always overcomes the need to listen to others. It can happen at work, it can happen in relationships, and it can happen with complete strangers. The personality characteristic that most often goes with this need is insecurity.
I was in a retail store not too long ago when a customer's item was rung up incorrectly on the cash register. It was clear to everyone including the cashier that a mistake had been made. Instead of simply requesting an adjustment, the customer became belligerent and loud and accusing the cashier of trying to rip her off. It made everyone in line uncomfortable. The cashier was very accommodating and took care of the problem quickly. However, this customer's need to be right, be loud and self-righteous, and make an ass of themselves took over. In general I think we can assume that she was not on the Be Happy program. Imagine how she might be in a relationship.
Needing to be right in a relationship can be emotionally devastating. First of all, an individual’s need to be right it is a declaration of superiority. If you are in a relationship and you need to prove your partner wrong-instead of attempting to listen and find a compromise-what is up with you? Are you insecure? Are you responding to your partner’s unwillingness to listen and prove themselves right? In situations like this it's a great time to choose your battles. Perhaps the greatest motivation for you to a stop attempting to be right all the time is to compare how you feel after you simply try to listen to someone without attempting to declare your superiority by being right. After having to fight for being right, people usually feel very wrong (in relationships).
As an aside, and therapy I am consistently advocating that people live a principled life. It is important that people identify their values and their rules for living and abide by them. But it is just as important that they recognize that those around them may not have the same principles for living. The fact that we have identified what is right for us does not necessarily make it right for others. It makes sense that we will have stronger relationships with people who have similar values to our own. However it does not give us the right to demand that others accept every one of our principles as the "right" ones or ask others to live by them.
Being “out to lunch” : This offensive listening tactic means that you are just not paying attention. As someone speaks, you look them square in the eyes, and yet your brain is out of the room. You pretend to be paying attention and hope that you are not asked any questions. You couldn't repeat what was said to you if you had to. To avoid this listening problem, you must simply make a conscious effort to focus on what the other person is saying. It’s important to them that you listen and understand.
Responding:
After you have actively, attentively, and accurately listened, it's time to respond. The first thing out of your mouth needs to be a summary of what the person that you're speaking to just said. It does not need to be long and drawn out, but it is helpful if you acknowledge that you heard what they said, and clarify anything that is not clear. The following are some ways not to respond.
Derailing: Derailing a conversation is diverting it into something else. You're speaking with someone who brings up a difficult topic and you respond by bringing up something else. This is where you can get some comparing and being right going on. It sounds like this. "You did the same thing last week that you are angry about with me this week.", or "Why shouldn't I do this because you always do that". When this type of response comes up both participants get defensive, they escalate the issue, and the entire conversation gets off track. The problem with this is it becomes habitual. People get into circular conflict about things, don't resolve it, and sweep it under the rug. The next time another conflict comes up not only do they need to deal with the new situation but many times one of the participants will bring up the last situation as well. Slowly but surely each person builds up their arsenal of arguments and nothing gets resolved. It is the epitome of the power struggle. As mentioned in previous Notes, it is a “staring contest” of epic proportions.
Getting Historical: No, not hysterical, historical. I suppose it is another form of derailing. Instead of dealing with the problem at hand you bring up things that have happened last week, last year, or last century. Instead of being here and now, you are there and then. You pile everything on, the situation escalates, and nothing gets resolved. You may have a tendency to say nothing when issues arise. Then, when your backpack is full, you explode with everything. Or, you just appreciate the power of carrying a grudge. If you have a tendency to get historical in discussions, you may also spent considerable amount of time in your head looking in the rearview mirror. You obsess about things and have trouble letting go. This is potentially a larger problem than just being historical in arguments.
Criticizing: This is another way to take a conversation off of the subject. If you and I are in an argument and I tell you that you complain too much, that you're always negative, or say something else critical of you, you pretty much have to go straight to defense. It is another way of derailing the situation but it is very specific because it gets personal. People who are hypercritical usually have a history of being criticized or judged. If this is you, how does it feel?
Comparing: Want to hit a hot button? Tell your girlfriend or your wife that she is acting just like her mother used to. Tell your husband or boyfriend that they behave just like their belligerent brother, or alcoholic father. Or, compare the current situation to things that have already happened. Generalizing is one way of comparing. People who say, "You always do this or you never do that." throw the direction of the conversation off by saying it is just like every other situation. It is a diversionary tactic and takes away from one's effectiveness in responding. It is one of those things that hits below the belt.
Sarcasm: Our culture is full of sarcasm. It's in the media, it's in our music, and it is certainly in everyday conversation. Sarcasm can be funny. But there is a time and place for it and in the middle of attempting to respond to someone's concern is not the time. Sarcasm can also be passive aggressive. Here it is an example: Bob gets mad at Rita for something. They are driving in the car and he is not speaking. When she asks him what is wrong he sharply says "Nothing!" Later on he makes snide comments about the way she is dressed or sarcastic remarks towards her in front of others. When she tells him that it bothers her he writes it off by saying "I was just joking." It's called passive-aggressive behavior because he is being passive in not telling her why he is upset. It is aggressive because he is punishing her with his attitude. Then when he exhibits biting sarcasm and is challenged by her, he blows it off as a joke. As you might guess this is no way to resolve problems. Check yourself! Sarcasm helps you avoid real problems. Reserve your sarcastic remarks for less serious situations.
Sparring: I have counseled couples where one of them just likes to spar. If the “sparrer” brings something up and does not get an escalated response they will keep poking until they do. They enjoy the engagement and view it as a contest. If you like to debate, great! Again there is a right time and a right place. People who like to spar often are also those who get stuck on being right and trying to win. Sparring is not problem solving. Sparring is fighting. This might be one of the best times to "not miss a good opportunity to shut up"! The personality characteristic that most often goes with this approach is inferiority.
In relating with others, establishing balanced relationships, and simply being happy, listening is key. How is it for you if you are in a conversation trying to make a point and it does not appear as though the person you are talking to is paying attention? Or, they seem to be paying attention but use one of the above tactics to dissuade any resolution. Personal responsibility and accountability in relationships includes understanding both sides. One of the primary keys to understanding other people is to listen to what they're saying. Just shut up!
1Boothroyd, Gregory; Boothroyd Lori Gray (2005) Going Home: A Positive Emotional Guide for Promoting Life-Generating Behaviors . Honu Publications
Eugene D. “Chip” Weiner
The Neighborhood Shrink
www.neighborhoodshrink.com
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