Intimacy Leaks
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If you're considering marriage or are in a long-term relationship, then this is the most important book you'll ever read. It has 1000 questions covering every topic imaginable to make sure you're perfect for each other.Addiction is in the media a lot these days. Celebrities are being treated for it, shows like TMZ exploit it, and even your friends and neighbors are more open about what they're going through. It comes in many forms. Traditionally, addiction was about substance abuse and dependence. However, when you look at addiction dynamically, it overlays many aspects of our lives. I define addiction as any activity that is habitual. An example is an activity where people have problems quitting (like smoking, alcohol, food, etc.), Or perhaps its something that causes psychosocial setbacks in our lives (financial, interpersonal, vocational, social, etc.). Maybe it is compensatory in nature- in other words it compensates for anger, depression, or stress. These behaviors lead us to avoid dealing with situations, including relationship problems, which is why I define it as an intimacy leak.
Drugs and Alcohol
Drugs and alcohol are the most traditional addictions. They can contribute to relational problems in several ways. First, there is a very strong correlation between anger and alcohol. Most of us know those who-when drinking-become “six-foot tall and bulletproof”. Most of them have an underlying tension about them, and as soon as they began to drink they lose any sense of inhibition, and become belligerent and very difficult to deal with. Imagine what it is like to have someone like this in a relationship. Over the course of time their anger decreases but it is usually because their brains become so pickled from the alcohol. They lose their ability to function cognitively, physically, and sexually. These people rarely show up in treatment because they are too insecure. They would rather take a beating than look behind those closed doors and resolve what they are so angry about.
Then there are the more depressive or anxious types of drug and alcohol users. Their addiction takes them into-and leads them out of- the darkness. When they get stressed they drink or take drugs. And, they are usually stressed. Intimacy is difficult with them because they are always under the influence and their brains are disengaged. Attempting to discuss intimacy with this type of addict leads to conflict or pity parties, and certainly more stress for them. At the beginning, these relationships may be fun and dynamic. However, slowly their veneer begins to peel and their anger or depression comes out. Frequently addictive types are able to find mates to enable them. This means that they not only drink together, but regardless of the behavior, their partner stays with them (usually with the intent to "fix" them). They rarely deal with relationship problems because the least common denominator every day is alcohol or drugs-a topic they never get serious about. Intimacy is difficult. They may be sexual at times, but eventually their partner tires of their addiction and they become emotionally distant. That, or the drugs and alcohol are ever-present and communication, sex, and problem-solving are impossible.
Less Traditional Addictions
Spending
Spending is more often a compensatory behavior. Jokingly many of my clients call shopping "retail therapy". Most of them report a good buzz after shopping, finding a new outfit, and take pleasure in wearing it at the next appropriate occasion. Nothing wrong with this, right? Clearly buying things for our creature comforts, or for our basic needs (food, etc.), and even spending disposable income on things that please us is common in our culture. Spending becomes an intimacy leak and takes on addictive traits, It’s when people can't control it, go into debt over it, or consistently are in conflict with their partners about how much they spend. Most of the time in relationships there will be one person who is more conservative about money and one person who is more free-flowing. But, compensatory spending comes from emotional need. It is habitual. People feel badly about themselves, their lives, their relationships, and so they buy things for brief relief. There is an assumption that most spending addicts are women-who spend time in stores buying things that end up in their closet with the tags still attached. But it happens with men, too. For men it can be more about larger items, collections, tools, or things needed for their "hobbies". They may spend more time at home-improvement centers or online researching where they will buy the next thing. Nonetheless, it is compensatory, it often leads to serious debt, and it is meant to avoid dealing with other issues in their relationships. Is this you?
Internet Addiction
Internet addiction is one of the fastest-growing types of addictions we see in the mental health field. New treatment protocols are being developed because of this potentially enormous problem. The seduction of the Internet is not completely understood. However, many of the components that have been discussed in this series which lead to intimacy leaks are part on Internet addiction., These include avoidance of dealing with everyday problems, connecting to others online-outside of a relationship- in order to establish intimacy, getting sexual gratification from pornography, and seeking other types of pleasure (for example, online gaming) instead of spending time with partners or family. It makes sense that this is growing so quickly because of an ever-increasing amount of technology availability. This intimacy leak comes right into our living rooms. In therapy its impact is evident. As mentioned in other Neighborhood Shrink Notes, people spend inordinate amounts of time online - chatting, tweeting, texting, sexting, and "surfing". There are increasing amounts of complaints from partners of people who spend 6, 8, 12 hours a day with online gaming. There are reports of people who-after dinner-retreat to their computer and spend the balance of the day on MySpace, facebook, and in chat rooms until it's time for bed. I recently saw a couple where the husband was spending 12-14 hours a day gaming online. He was incredibly angry with his wife, but was also conflict avoidant,and only came to therapy twice. He preferred to stay in the game room than try to fix his marriage. They separated soon after.
Eating
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Anger
Okay, this may be stretching it a bit. But there appear to be people who have an anger addiction. What I mean by this is they know that it is a habitual problem, it has had numerous psychosocial consequences (arguments, friendship failures, sometimes legal problems), yet they fail to get help for it, and it really gets in the way of intimacy and their relationships. You can usually see it with them. They walk around with a scowl on their face. No one gets close to an anger addict because they're always pissed off. Many times the basis of their personality is insecurity. They don't know how to deal with people at an intimate level (they often think they might get taken advantage of) so they keep them away with their anger. They know few people will approach a barking snarling dog. Many times there are also underlying family of origin issues that have not been addressed. Nonetheless it is a behavior that causes intimacy problems and can lead to violence when it gets out of control. As mentioned above, it is also many times linked with a substance abuse problem.
Religion
I want to tread lightly here. I have such undying faith in my and others' faith. I strongly believe in the power of a being greater than ourselves, -however you define that. Religion can become an addiction when it is used as an excuse to avoid relationship responsibilities and intimacy. For some people it becomes a preoccupation and the psychosocial disturbance is enormous. Instead of attempting to connect with others, religious addicts proselytize to others. They stand behind what they claim to be the “Word of God” and fail to accept, relate to, and enjoy all of us imperfect human beings here on Earth. Sometimes if you attempt to engage them in intimate conversation their response begins with "God said", "or the scripture reads". There is nothing wrong with living by your faith and even teaching it to others. Most people report a higher quality of life if they subscribe to their spiritual or religious faith. As with so many of the other issues mentioned in this Neighborhood Shrink Note, you will need to decide where the line is between being a faithful practitioner of your religion and where your zealousness becomes an intimacy leak.
Gambling
Gambling is one of those addictions that people are in great denial about. It is somewhat easy to define simply by looking at the time that is spent participating in it, and even more accurately, the amount of money lost. Most obvious gambling is done online, at the casino, or with bookies over the phone. I know cops, attorneys, accountants, and grandmothers who have lost thousands of dollars at one time. They consistently tell themselves they will make it up next time. The problem is that sometimes they do. But the next week or the next month they lose big again, and become preoccupied with the thrill of the bet and with overcoming their losses. Gambling is encouraged in our culture. In many metropolitan areas we are tested and tempted by billboards claiming we can win millions of dollars through the lottery, ostensibly to help education. The preoccupation and worry over debt become an intimacy leak. Many times the spouses and partners of gamblers know that they do it, but gambling addicts are very secretive about it and rarely discuss their losses. Relationships fall apart because a hidden debt comes due and there’s no money, they promise to quit but don’t, or there is no money left for essentials.
Is it a problem?
One of the ways to determine if any of these addictions are a problem for you is to stop doing it. This is a challenge I often offer in therapy. The inability to quit - or to need more - are some of the symptoms of the addictive process. And if your response is, "I could quit if I wanted to but I just don't want to", you may have a problem. If you think it may be a problem, or if your partner is suspicious or concerned about it (addiction) then quit for a while! Quit for a month. Quit for six months. If that seems unreasonable, decrease your frequency or intensity around these behaviors and see if you can maintain that lower-level for six months. Take that time and improve your relationship, reconnect with your partner, get some exercise, or focus on improving your finances.
Another indicator of an addiction is if your partner is complaining about your behavior. The people closest to you know you best. If your partner, family, friends, or anyone else has made remarks about your behavior, it may be time to look in the mirror and ask yourself if it's a problem. Is your behavior causing an intimacy leak? Is it detracting from your relationship? At some level, do you know it really is a problem but you are avoiding it? The oldest line in recovery is, "I'll quit tomorrow".
Another simple way to gauge yourself is by looking at your checkbook or credit card bill. How much money have you spent on alcohol (drugs probably won't be in your checkbook), compulsive spending (hint: look at the Macy's, Home Depot, sports store, etc. bills), or tithings to your church? What other excessive spending behavior has created a financial impact in your life or on your relationship? Financial problems in and of themselves are intimacy leaks simply because they create great distress within relationships, usually resulting in emotional distance if they are not resolved.
Addiction is a complicated issue. The treatment and solution are beyond the scope of this Neighborhood Shrink Note. My objective here is just to help you identify intimacy leaks and offer up some suggestions for starting to address them. If you have identified yourself or a loved one as having difficulties, get help now. Most metropolitan areas have community mental health centers, social service clearinghouses, and 12-step programs. You might also at check with your church, ask friends if they know any resources, or get in touch with the Mental Health/Substance Abuse phone number on the back of your medical insurance card.
Addictions, like all the other intimacy leaks I have discussed in this four-part series, can destroy a relationship. So stop the leaks! Read or re-read the other three parts of this series by clicking below on any of the types of leaks I’ve discussed if you feel your relationship is suffering due to one or more of them:
Eugene D. “Chip” Weiner
The Neighborhood Shrink
www.neighborhoodshrink.com
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