Intimacy Leaks
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As the Internet has developed and social networking has gone mainstream, we all have the ability to connect and reconnect with people all over the world. Some of these connections are wonderful. We are able to seek and find old friends, family members, and classmates. We are able to find new people who share common interests or hobbies which develops new friendships. However, it is becoming evident that some of these relationships are interfering with the day-to-day security of many Internet relationships. For some people the temptation is just too great. One of the great things about psychotherapy is that practitioners are able to track trends in the intimate lives of people who would not otherwise discuss their situations or fantasies. I will say it again. This trend is disturbingly dangerous in many couple’s intimate lives.
Most of these online intimacy leaks start off as innocent conversations. For example, someone from the past will contact one of my clients ostensibly to say hello and see how they are doing. They spend time catching up on what has happened with their lives vocationally, socially, and in many cases relationally as well. For both parties it feels good to reconnect and reminisce about past experiences as well as to get up to date with an old friend (acquaintance, lover).
Most of the time problems begin covertly. There is a little flirtation, sexual innuendo, or if it is a past love - a recollection of how things used to be- including intimate moments. There may be an exchange of pictures, favorite music, or even a suggestion of how they ought to see each other just to catch up. Sounds innocent so far, right? If one or both people are in a solid relationship with their integrity intact everything is fine. But here's where the leak comes in. Here’s where you need to pay attention to what is going on in your heart and mind. This may be where you need to rein yourself in.) After a few exchanges person #1 may bring up how they are not as happy as they used to be or that there are problems in their current relationship. Person # 2 either acting out of kindness or the smell of opportunity listens supportively and sometimes gives advice. Person #1 feels listened to and connected. Lines can quickly get blurred or as the song says, sparks from the old flame reignite.
Do you see the leak here? Given the above example where does it occur? Is it when they contact each other? Is it when they begin flirting, or agree to see each other? Is it when the old sparks kick up again and they decide to take it further? As with office relationships in Part One of this series, the answer to this question probably lies in where their behavior becomes somewhat secretive or fantasy begins to take over. I call it the transference of affection. They begin to have feelings that should be reserved for their primary relationship. At what point does person #1 either feel guilty about telling their partner, or decide not to tell their partner about what is happening? In this situation, secrecy is a big red flag.
Infidelity or the initiation of extra-relational trysts are obviously not a new phenomenon. Extramarital affairs and rekindled love relationships have happened throughout the ages. But these relationships are not the point of this Neighborhood Shrink Note. The point is to start recognizing when an emotional leak starts, and to stop it. If the transference of affection has already occurred, it’s too late The dam may not break, but the leak has become a major crack. The other part of the problem is the new medium through technology. Somewhat different from the old days, the intimacy leak can occur completely electronically. It is so much easier to find, engage with, and step over the line with new technology. In many instances the transition from neutral to over involved is so subtle that people don't recognize it until after it has happened.
| There is an underlying Neighborhood Shrink theory at play when it comes to online relationships with people who are not former lovers. It poses that almost every connected male/female relationship (assuming they are both heterosexual) must answer the "would I" sex question. The answer is usually “no" (or we would all be in trouble). Yet the question must be answered. (This is true for any relationship that has any viability whatsoever. It doesn't necessarily happen with a 20 year old man and an 80 year old unrelated grandmother). As shallow as it seems, you have probably felt this. It may be a passing thought. You meet someone, you have a laugh together, your eyes meet or there is a touch on the on arm, and that's when it happens. It is not a concept that we discuss at polite parties, and many women deny this self questioning. It happens least in sexually repressed people. |
I have watched this unfold in therapy. Last year Hillary came to therapy because she was troubled about her marriage. She was a hard working mother of two and said that in many ways she still loved her husband. She resented him because of the amount of time he spent at work and the little time that he spent helping with their children. They had progressively grown apart. After the first few weeks of therapy she had concluded that it would be best for them to start couples counseling. The following weekend she received a message from her first long-term boyfriend (Seth- who was also married) on Face Book. Fifteen years ago they were engaged to be married but she had decided that it would not work and broke it off. In session over the next couple of weeks her attitude about life changed completely. She was no longer focused on her marital problems. She was cheery and bright and became preoccupied with being online with Seth. She wondered out loud if she had made a mistake so many years ago. Their Face Book conversation soon turned to texting each other. The content of their texting became more provocative and they were soon having daily phone conversations. Had he not lived out of state they would have seen each other sooner, but within 1 1/2 months she had planned a trip to her home town in South Carolina-where he lived- ostensibly to see her family. During the entire time Hillary was journaling about her experience, and became even more emotionally disconnected from her husband. She was transferring her affection to Seth. It was blatantly evident to her but she chose to do nothing about it. Her logic was she deserves someone in her life who cared. Two days before she left for South Carolina she came in for her therapy appointment excited and giddy. She did not wish to hear any of the redirection or questions about what she was doing. As a cognitive and behavioral therapist I do not give my clients advice or tell them what they "should" do. This was her experience to have. She did so with her eyes wide open. She went to South Carolina, turned her online relationship back into a sexual relationship, and returned home. Consciously or unconsciously upon her return she left her journal out where her husband could see it. He read the entries about Seth, and that was the end of the marriage. Upon finding out that she was separated, Seth then broke off their relationship saying he wanted to work it out with his wife.
Clearly there were problems in the marriage before Hillary came to therapy or got reconnected with Seth. It seems a little surreal, but this kind of thing is becoming more and more frequent. Some people might say that Hillary was just looking for an out. As I continue to assert, integrity is everything. This includes commitment! If she indeed resented her husband, the path of greatest resistance would have been to go to therapy, or to a pastor, or to lock herself in a room with her husband and demand to work it out. But this intimacy leak took over quickly and the dam broke. What seemed like an innocent relationship turned into a catastrophe for her marriage. To this day she still has difficulty explaining to her children exactly what happened between her and their father.
FaceBook, MySpace, and the dozens of other copycat sites are a great way to meet and find people. Hundreds of other sites where hundreds of thousands of people are members are more overtly tempting (if you are prone to it) and sexual by nature. Everything from fetish sites to "I want to cheat on my spouse" type sites exist. The problem is not the existence of the sites. The problem is the temptation that lies within you. Have you heard that line: “Lead us not into temptation for we can get there ourselves.”
There are dozens of “Online Dating” sites. Some married or otherwise involved clients reveal that they get anonymous memberships to these sites just to see who is available, failing to take into consideration the enormous amount of false information that people report about themselves. While there is nothing inherently wrong with curiosity, it may tempt or compel the participant to fantasize about leaving their relationship instead of fixing what they have. Yes, even surfing a dating site can be an intimacy leak depending on the underlying intent - especially if the fantasy begins to become reality.
Check yourself. Are you leaking? Do you have relationships established outside of the boundaries of what your partner would consider "appropriate". If so, what's going on with you? What are you avoiding? What's the path of greatest resistance and are you ready to start walking it?
In the next Note from the Desk of the Neighborhood Shrink, and even more provocative intimacy leak will be discussed. Online (and printed) pornography has become a multi-billion-dollar business. It also accounts for a disturbing amount of intimacy and sexual problems in all kinds of relationships. Stay tuned!
Click here to go to Part Three of this Intimacy Leaks series.
Eugene D. “Chip” Weiner
The Neighborhood Shrink
www.neighborhoodshrink.com
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Disclaimer from behappy101.com: The thoughts and opinions expressed by The Neighborhood Shrink (Eugene D. "Chip" Weiner) are not necessarily those of Jimmy DeMesa, M.D., or BeHappy101.com. Jimmy edits these "notes" only for wording and grammar and, therefore, BeHappy101.com is not responsible for the content in these thoughts.
