Happy Holidays!
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For several years I have participated in radio broadcasts at the CBS affiliate in Tampa. And, every year around August I pitch the idea of having a "De-stressing the Holidays" show. They usually balk because they say it is too early. But doing the show in November (which is usually where it ends up) does not allow people time to change their plans. People have to wait until the next year to try to make changes. So, fair warning! As I write this for consideration in August, Thanksgiving is less than 3 months away. After that are Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, New Year's Eve, and the entire gamut of the end of the year celebrations.
Take a moment now to think about what you're going to do for (and about) the holidays. Begin to put in place a plan for family interactions, finances, shopping time, and self-care. Don't wait until the last minute! So if you are reading this Neighborhood Shrink Note in the first half of the year, make sure to come back to it before September to start your holiday planning. If you are reading this in July or August as I have intended, start putting a plan together now. If it’s October or later, you’re a bit behind, so don’t wait another minute! Think of what stressed you out last year and begin to formulate changes for this year. I have other NSNs to deal with specific issues during the holidays (and behappy101.com has a whole Holiday Happiness series, which starts in November every year). But for now, let's do some early planning related to families (there are also some early planning Notes related to finances and children).
Families
Many of us travel during the holidays to visit our family, or they come to visit us. For many it is an enjoyable experience. However, sometimes these family visits can bring up old business, create a sense of stress, and make us want to avoid the holidays altogether. (Some people think that psychotherapy office visits increase during the holidays because people feel so depressed. In my practice it's actually after the holidays that visits increase partly because people have been re-exposed to problematic families).
If you get “holiday crazy” with your family, what are you going to do about it? Most of the time people need to think in terms of boundaries and changing family roles.
Melissa and her husband Chad, for example, traveled every year for Christmas to Detroit to be with her family. It was expected that they would stay in her parent’s home for the visit. The first day usually went pretty well. But as other family members - primarily her three sisters - gathered, stress increased. Melissa began to remember how she really didn't seem to matter to the family. She didn't like two of her three sisters but went for the visit and stayed in the family home out of obligation. She could tolerate them for short periods of time but thereafter felt stressed and trapped staying in her old house. Her sisters consistently interrupted her and it always felt like a competition. The alcohol the family drank only contributed to the problem.
As she spoke to me about this, it became evident that Melissa only visited out of a sense of obligation to the family. This is relatively common in our culture. Not going was not (in her mind) an option. The biggest part I challenged her on was why she needed to stay in the family home. Clearly if they were to stay in a hotel she and Chad could visit for a few hours, go back to the hotel and take a breather, and then decide how she would like to interact with her family for the rest of the day. What she kept telling me was that her mother would just not understand. This is what the family had always done! Yet her mother dismissed any complaints that Melissa had about her sisters, only contributing to her feelings of being ignored or left out.
Had she started planning early (say in August or September), she could have called her mother and said, "Chad and I found a quaint little hotel 20 minutes from your house. It is down by the water where we can explore downtown and see some of the holiday sites while we are home." Obviously her mother's initial reaction might be one of shock, anger, or misunderstanding. When someone in the system (family) attempts to make a change, the rest of the system needs time to respond. If Melissa had started in September, her mother would have had a couple of months to adjust to the idea that she would not be staying in the family home for the holidays. It was fear of her mother's reaction that kept Melissa so locked into being in the family home and miserable every year. If she were to make this change, the first year might be difficult for everybody. But after that, the family would adjust to the new way and things would smooth out. As I have mentioned many times, change is not easy but sometimes very necessary.
So think about it. Does part of your family make you crazy during the holidays? If so, what parts are they and what changes do you need to begin to implement now? Are you going to be as stressed out this January as you were last January? Setting boundaries is a good idea but doing so during the holidays is not always good thinking. If you need to establish some emotional distance from your family members (like Melissa and Chad), do so long before you plan to interact with them. Make your hotel reservations in August or September, and shorten your trip if necessary. Get out your calendar and plan one-on-one time with family members, meal times, and down/decompression time. Be ever mindful of your expectations. The holidays weren't perfect in the past and they won't be this year.
Also, the holidays are not always the best time for confrontation related to family member’s behaviors. If Uncle Sammy always gets drunk at the family holiday party and causes trouble, the party is not the time to do an intervention. He either needs to be spoken to before hand or not invited. If your brother - with whom you've carried a grudge a long time - stands on your last nerve at the family dinner by insulting you, blowing up at that point is probably not the best thing to do. Make arrangements now to sit away from him at the table or have that long awaited talk about what you need from him in the relationship. You might take a look at the Neighborhood Shrink note titled Blame = Expectations. If he hurts you again this holiday ... it’s on you. Is it time to forgive him, grudge-carrier?
The next Note from the Desk of the Neighborhood Shrink takes a look at planning for finances for the holidays.
Eugene D. “Chip” Weiner
The Neighborhood Shrink
www.neighborhoodshrink.com
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Disclaimer from behappy101.com: The thoughts and opinions expressed by The Neighborhood Shrink (Eugene D. "Chip" Weiner) are not necessarily those of Jimmy DeMesa, M.D., or BeHappy101.com. Jimmy edits these "notes" only for wording and grammar and, therefore, BeHappy101.com is not responsible for the content in these thoughts.
