Happy Holidays! (Start Planning Early: Children)Notes from the Desk of
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As a psychotherapist, I see long-term effects of holidays gone by in my clients. So many of them remember the holidays through their childhood brains – and the effects, both positive and negative, can be significant. Do you remember yours? Do you stop and think about what your children see and learn about this time of year? There are so many influences around! They seem to get it from all sides. As the holidays get closer advertising increases, holiday school activities intensify, and kid’s brains get cranked up for gifts. What do you want your kids to take away from all of that? Have you thought about it seriously?
You have by now (hopefully) identified some of your values around the holidays. What specifically do you want your children to learn? Do you wish to pass on family tradition? Do you want to teach them the spiritual element that many families view as a very important part of a holiday celebration? And lastly (for many children most importantly) what about gifts?
If you have read the the first two parts of this series on the holidays from The Neighborhood Shrink, hopefully you have already set a budget. But now what? Do you consider getting your child the latest and greatest toy, electronic device, vehicle, et cetera? Or, is it time to cut back? Where do you draw the line? At what point does gift giving become overindulgence? When considering family values, do you also take the child's overall life and needs into consideration? This issue needs to be a unique decision for each family. One of the things to ask yourself is what is the message you are passing along to your kids through the gifts that you buy? I'm going to give you two examples. One of them is about overindulgence, and the other is about being too constricted. Here is a story:
My client Corey works hard for a living. For the past year he gets home consistently after 7 p.m. By this time the kids have usually eaten and are doing their homework. While he would like to have spent some quality time with them, they are busy and he is tired. He tells himself that at some point things will change, work will calm down, and he will be better able to spend meaningful time with his kids. At some level he knows that he is not living up to his parental obligation but tells himself that money is important and the kids will be alright. Then, the holidays roll around. Consciously or unconsciously he (and most of the time his wife) make a decision to overcompensate when it comes to gift giving to make up for lost time. If they buy the kids something they really want it will be a symbol of his love for them and will reduce some of his guilt. And, frankly, the kids are ecstatic. The meaning of the holidays for the children is often to "get stuff" versus learn tradition. (This will likely become their tradition as well and they may pass it on to their own children). I am also seeing an ever increasing effort to keep up with children's peer’s families. If the neighbor's kids got something great, this family certainly can't let their children go without.
Barbara and Sean are conservative. They have a budget, live under their means, do not participate a lot in the community, and care very much for their children. The word "strict" comes up often as they discuss their parenting style. Their children see their peers every day at school. However, many times they are ridiculed and teased because of their simple ways and somewhat socially constricted behavior. Their clothes are purchased from the big-box mart, their hair is styled in a very conservative way, and at the age of 14 and 15 they do not appear to have a significant amount of close friendships. For the holidays the family trades simple gifts. The children may ask for clothing or other items that seem a bit extravagant but the answer is always the same. “You may have new shoes when you grow out of your current ones, and designer clothes are too expensive.” If one of the children asks about participating in sports they are encouraged to engage in more academic pursuits. Perfect grades and behavior are expected at all times.
So the point of all this is - look at how the holidays are reflected in the eyes of your children and how you contribute to that. What do you want them to learn? How do you want them to be? And what do you unconsciously teach them by buying them (or not buying them) lots of gifts. Do you attempt to foster what you consider to be "the true meaning" of the season? Do you pass along meaningful family traditions and teach them spiritual, economic, community, and ethnic values? Do you step back and at least take into consideration how much of the superficiality and materialistic effort goes into your gift giving? Is there a balance? Can you take a moment and project forward the forthcoming year and use that information to influence how you treat your children this holiday season? Do you need to spend more time with them? Or, do you need to let go a little bit and let them move towards figuring things out on there own? The holidays are a time when most of us stop and take inventory of the year and our lives. Use it to yours and your family's best benefit – not just for this year, but for the long-term. Stop and make some plans now! Take the time to plan your finances, your family interactions, gift giving, and especially (hopefully) significant time set aside for self reflection. Happy holidays! Click here for a preview.
Eugene D. “Chip” Weiner
The Neighborhood Shrink
www.neighborhoodshrink.com
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Chip’s practice has a no-nonsense, solution focused approach to counseling therapy and coaching for anyone who needs help. |
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Disclaimer from behappy101.com: The thoughts and opinions expressed by The Neighborhood Shrink (Eugene D. "Chip" Weiner) are not necessarily those of Jimmy DeMesa, M.D., or BeHappy101.com. Jimmy edits these "notes" only for wording and grammar and, therefore, BeHappy101.com is not responsible for the content in these thoughts.
