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Happiness and "Hang Time"
(Friendhips)

Notes from the Desk of
The Neighborhood Shrink

To improve your life, click on any of the pictures below which represent areas of your life which you need to make better:









This Note from the Desk of the Neighborhood Shrink is about friendships and, what I call “hang time”. By hang time I mean: how much time – and with whom – we spend our time with (in other words, who we “hang” with).

Some of our happiness comes from the quality of the friendships we have with those around us. Making conscious decisions about the quality and quantity of our friendships, therefore, can make a lot of difference in our overall quality of life.

To some degree you may expect friendships to be free of some of the same stress that you experience in your primary relationships (e.g., family, relatives, etc.). But sometimes friendships can be just as troubling. How do you know when it is time to move aside or move on?

If my clients say they are having difficulties with some of their friendships, I might recommend they first categorize or grade their relationships. Think of an archery target. There's the center (the bull's-eye) then several circles that get larger as you move towards the edge. So in this analogy, there are many people who are “outsiders” – or people who you know, but who have failed to make a personal impact on you and gain your trust as a friend. You may not even remember (or ever have known) their full names. This is the outer circle. Then, there are probably several hundred people in your life who you know their first and last name. This is the next circle in. Of those several hundred, there are probably dozens who you know their first and last name, some personal information about them, and possibly share some interests. This is the next circle in. Of those dozens, there are fewer that you share first and last name, personal information, common interests, common values, and with whom you confide more personal information (these are “great friends”). Ideally the inner circle is made up of the people that you trust most (your significant others) and a few "best friends". Graphically, it might look like this:

Thinking of this “target” analogy, the closer to the center you get with relationships, the more trust and emotional closeness there is. Some of you have had the occasion where someone in your inner circle has challenged you to such a degree that you wonder if you should maintain the relationship. If it's time for a change, you might consider limiting contact or exposure with this person instead of completely ending the relationship. Being cordial toward someone does not mean that you are vulnerable to them. It simply means that you may spend less time with them, not disclose personal information to them, or make yourself vulnerable to being hurt or frustrated by them again. On the other hand, are there people in your life who have proved themselves to be trustworthy and may be more valuable toward your inner circle?

We all need support at times, and friendships are a valuable source of support. Do you have enough people in your life you can reach out to when needed? Are your friends willing to make themselves available on short notice if you turn up at their door?

Hang Time Quiz

Here is a quiz to help when attempting to decide who to keep close, who to set apart and how to decide if some friendships are more trouble than they're worth. If you have difficulty trusting others, this may also help you identify who you might think about "letting in". Go through these questions, mark down your answers, then add them up and you’ll have an answer.

When I tell my friend something in confidence:
  1. I know for a fact that it is not confidential as things have gotten back to me before.
  2. I think they may tell others.
  3. They keep it to themselves
Trust is an essential element in friendships. If your friend gossips, gives out secrets, or is otherwise untrustworthy it will have a negative impact on your relationship. While they won't gossip about you in front of you (usually) they will gossip about others. Be careful!

If I want to speak to my friend about problems I'm having with romance or work:
  1. it seems like they judge me because I don't do what they would do
  2. they give me advice instead of listening, because they have been there before
  3. they listen attentively and help me make my own decisions
Many times you don't need advice. And, you certainly don't need to be judged. You need someone to listen, attempt to understand, and in doing so help you talk through your problems. If you need advice you can ask for it and it is respectfully given.

When my friend and I feel differently about a certain subject:
  1. differences of opinion are not tolerated well by them
  2. they have difficulty letting it go and continue to attempt to convince me to agree with their way of thinking
  3. we both accept it as a difference of opinion and move on
The ability to accept differing opinions and perceptions is a key to long-term relationships. No one sees everything the same way and good friends know that.

When it comes to initiating activities together:
  1. it frustrates me because it seems like a one-way relationship
  2. I initiate more often but I'm okay with that because they're busy
  3. we both take an equal parts in doing so
Give and take in a relationship is a key. If a friendship feels one-sided, resentment has a tendency to build.

When I spend time with other people, my friend:
  1. is possessive and gives me a hard time about it
  2. feels left out
  3. is okay with it
There is a difference between reliance and dependence. Friends who need to be attached at the hip can become intrusive. Having the ability to have others in your life without negatively impacting your friendship is important. They must have a life away from you.

When it comes to values and personal integrity:
  1. we have little in common and I see cracks in their value system
  2. I sometimes question my friend's overall integrity
  3. my friend and I are very similar in values and I admire their integrity
In close relationships similar values are usually very important. It is very difficult to trust someone unless you regard them as having a high degree of integrity (they do what they say they are going to do, and have the ability to put others first when needed).

If my life were really in trouble:
  1. I would let them know what happened after the crisis is over
  2. I might call my friend but I'm not sure they'll respond like I need them to
  3. my friend is the first person I would call
This question has more to do with you than it does with your friend. The people at the top of your call list probably need to be the ones closest to the center of your target. If you call someone your best friend yet would not rely on them in a crisis, it may be time to reconsider.

When my friend and I get into serious conflicts we:
  1. both seem to sort of carry a grudge and have difficulty letting go
  2. usually sweep it under the rug and hope it doesn't come up again
  3. are able to talk it through and come up with a solution or agree to disagree
Conflict management and resolution are key to maintaining long-term relationships. If you cannot resolve arguments, or are both conflict avoidant, the foundation on which you build your friendship will be rocky.

When I spend time with my friend:.
  1. I come away feeling anxious, angry, or depressed because they have a negative influence on me
  2. I sometimes wonder why we spend time together
  3. I usually feel good about it and look forward to seeing them again
Hopefully your friendships bring you peace, serenity, and good times. Other Neighborhood Shrink Notes have addressed spending too much time with negative people (see Cornerstones of a Lasting Relationship - Part Three: The Fourth Corner: Commitment, Blame = Expectations: a formula to help you get a grip). If this describes your friend, and you have them on your inner circle, there something wrong!

When I respectfully tell my friend what I really think (even if it seems critical):
  1. they get defensive and tell me the things that I do wrong
  2. they take it personally and get hurt
  3. they are able to accept my opinion
Your friend and you will not always see eye to eye. There will be times when they do things that make you angry or concern you. Your ability to address these candidly and openly is a statement about the trust in the relationship and the ability to overcome difficulties. Don't make the mistaken assumption that true friends know what you're thinking and know what you want. You need to be able to communicate clearly and openly with them. True friends are open to that.

After taking this quiz, add up your responses. If you haven't figured it out, people with higher numbers are most likely more appropriate for your inner circle. If some of the people on your inner circle have lower scores, it may be time to back off or let go. When you take quality of life into consideration, the negative influences of poor friendships can be a major factor.

Take your score and compare it here. Check the number and refer back to the target. This is only a guide, but may help you if you are having difficulty figuring out who to keep close and who may pose friendship risks.



Possibly the next thing to ask yourself is how are you as a friend. Look at these questions and reverse them on yourself. How might your friends see you? Are you a positive influence, a supportive person, and would you like to have yourself as a friend?

Eugene D. “Chip” Weiner
The Neighborhood Shrink
www.neighborhoodshrink.com

Click here to return to the full list of Notes From the Desk of The Neighborhood Shrink

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Chip’s practice has a no-nonsense, solution focused approach to counseling therapy and coaching for anyone who needs help.

He offers several Mental Health Professional seminars, including self care for professionals, technology for private practice, and Initial Assessment Review.

He also offers a full compliment of corporate training including Stress Management, Giving Great Customer Service, and Dealing With Difficult People.

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Disclaimer from behappy101.com: The thoughts and opinions expressed by The Neighborhood Shrink (Eugene D. "Chip" Weiner) are not necessarily those of Jimmy DeMesa, M.D., or BeHappy101.com. Jimmy edits these "notes" only for wording and grammar and, therefore, BeHappy101.com is not responsible for the content in these thoughts.


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