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I recently had a client come to my office who has had a very difficult decade. Jenna was referred by her supervisor because she was seen as being in a “dark place”. Ten years ago she had some medical issues. After that point she lost her house and since then has had great difficulty in her job. As she described her past ten years to me, one phrase kept coming up. Jenna kept saying, “I miss the times in my work where I was establishing strategy and leading a team”. Her vocabulary contained words like strategy, value statements, and systems.
For three of the past ten years (when she reported being much happier) she had been involved in several civic organizations and naturally floated to the top into a leadership position. Her thoughts were also very organized, and she appeared to appreciate a very structured life. However, due to the circumstances surrounding her life, she was not currently in a leadership position, was not helping others establish strategies for goal setting, and was not involved anywhere organizationally outside of her work where she felt as though she were stagnant.
As we talked about what her life would look like if she were to be happier, she consistently reflected on what it was like to be in those civic organizations and how they still called her when they needed advice. While she adamantly endorsed that she had left the presidency after her term, emotionally she hadn’t really. She still enjoys getting those phone calls. As we talked about a strategy for her, she came up with several ideas - mostly having to do with helping others, developing a stronger spiritual life, and being involved in a leadership position again.
It was clear to me that the underlying pattern with this client is that she is happiest when she is leading others and accomplishing goals. Due to circumstances beyond her control (her medical and financial issues) she had given up this part of her life.
Finding Yourself
Who are you? Are you struggling with happiness? As you reflect back on your life, have there been times when you were happier because you were either paying more attention to your internal drive, or were doing things in your life that came more “naturally”. Are you a leader? Are you creative? Are you an introvert living an extrovert’s life? Are you a social person who has lost many of your social connections? Were you at one point very spiritually connected and feel as though you have lost that? Did you once enjoy the company of your family and yet have become estranged?
Leaders need to lead. Creatives need to create. Introverts need time on their own and social people need time connected to others. People with a spiritual yearning need to develop their spiritual self and people with positive family backgrounds usually do better when those connections are strong. Caregivers need to care for others, athletes need physical stimulation, and team players need to be on teams.
As you think about your happiness and what it takes to create it, take a look inside. What’s missing? Are you true to yourself by being true to your traits? When you think back about the happier times, what occurs to you? The term many people use for this type of thinking is called congruency. People report a higher state of happiness and satisfaction when who they are is congruent with what they do.
If you’re able to identify the missing link(s), consider implementing them into your life. It definitely does not mean you need to change careers or lifestyle. One caveat I might add to finding your missing link: try to be sure that the things you do, you do for you. For example, some people like to write. However, they fail to do so because other people might not like it, or they might get criticized. From what I see, true artists create art regardless of who likes it. So try to adopt changes that not only express who you are, but things you can appreciate in yourself. It is evident, though, that there is a whole world out here waiting for your type. We need you to lead us, to care for us, and to create for us.
Finding your potential is not a new idea. However, doing so may lead you to greater fulfillment. Take a moment to look inside and ask yourself if you see joy, satisfaction, and a strong sense of purpose. If any of these things are missing you may not be reaching your potential.
Related articles and information at BeHappy101.com:
- BeHappy! at Work (a free introductory e-book you can download by clicking here). This e-book can help you find you’re the “ideal” job or career (congruent with your identity) or help you love what you do currently a lot more.
- Do You Love What You Do or Are You Doing What You Love
- Identity, Purpose, and Passions (Chapter 3 of BeHappy!)
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Chip’s practice has a no-nonsense, solution focused approach to counseling therapy and coaching for anyone who needs help.
He offers several Mental Health Professional seminars, including self care for professionals, technology for private practice, and Initial Assessment Review.
He also offers a full compliment of corporate training including Stress Management, Giving Great Customer Service, and Dealing With Difficult People.
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Disclaimer from behappy101.com: The thoughts and opinions expressed by The Neighborhood Shrink (Eugene D. "Chip" Weiner) are not necessarily those of Jimmy DeMesa, M.D., or BeHappy101.com. Jimmy edits these "notes" only for wording and grammar and, therefore, BeHappy101.com is not responsible for the content in these thoughts.
