Can I Get a Do Over?
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Kids seem to be somewhat more flexible with rules. Sometimes their rigidity has not galvanized, and they are not as controlling as adults. They appear to understand that we are all fallible and make mistakes, so sometimes being permissive with one another is helpful. They also may not be as invested in winning as they are in just having fun.
Adults seem to have more difficulty with this. They focus on the rules and rigidity, on being right, and have expectations that everyone else does the same. They also have a tendency to want to win at any cost which leads to more inflexibility. Here is a typical example:
What I may ask Clint to do is to allow Kathy to give him the "secret" signal - it can be anything - when he begins to yell, because he reports being unaware when he does it. If he agrees, when she senses him escalating she will give him the secret signal (preferably not the middle finger), which will be an indicator to stop and attempt to start over. She agrees not to emotionally react as long as he agrees to try again. They both agree to use the secret signal conservatively. They began to focus on the process (the emotional content) versus the subject. If Clint is willing to say what he has to say instead of yelling at Kathy, and she is able to respond in kind, they are far more likely to find a solution. They are both very smart people! Their rigidity and need for control or being right gets in the way. If they are able to keep the emotions down and make it more of a business type transaction (solve the problem), they are more likely to move ahead. Kathy asks Clint to try a “do over”. He takes a breath and tries again. They are both motivated to de-escalate because they want to improve their relationship and ease their resentment.
Another way to try a do over is to ask for it. Getting other’s permission to change what you did is important. Sometimes - when you really blow it - you need to ask for a do over. It could be with a friend, a lover, or a family member. When you recognize that you have done something to offend or upset somebody else, sometimes the easiest thing to do is to apologize and ask for another chance.
"Can I have a do over" is a great phrase. Stopping yourself and asking "Can I try that again?", is another one. It shows the other person that you are aware of your state of mind and that you want to change it. Most people get it. It injects a little humor into the situation, shows that you are really trying, and allows you to undo a mistake. The next time you say to yourself, "I wish I hadn't said that!” Try it! Build it into your vocabulary. Build it into your thinking. It will help you improve your acceptance of your own imperfection and your ability to make things better when you make a mistake in relationships.
1The Neighborhood Shrink’s definition of a relationship power struggle is one where the couple has forgotten the reason for being together, fails to recognize the needs of one another, and has the primary task of proving themselves right. Conflicts usually end either unresolved or with one person feeling like they have lost.
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Disclaimer from behappy101.com: The thoughts and opinions expressed by The Neighborhood Shrink (Eugene D. "Chip" Weiner) are not necessarily those of Jimmy DeMesa, M.D., or BeHappy101.com. Jimmy edits these "notes" only for wording and grammar and, therefore, BeHappy101.com is not responsible for the content in these thoughts.
