Cornerstones of a Lasting Relationship
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COMMITMENT...
I once heard someone say that if we knew what worse meant in the phrase "for better or worse" spoken in many marriage vows, we would never get married. Sticking through the worst times requires commitment, but this concept is much broader than most people think.
In this note I'm going to break commitment into two different categories. Primary-or original commitment-is an agreement about the exclusivity of a relationship. Couples tell each other that they will not date others or have sex with others. They form some sort of agreed upon bond and set various boundaries (sometimes unspoken) which define the relationship. Secondary-or long-term commitment-comes after the couple has been together for a while and are looking at staying together for life.
Primary Commitment
In committed relationships, couples declare loyalty to one another at some point. It may be discussed or it may be implied. They may have the "where are we going with this" discussion about their togetherness and in many circumstances decide on monogamy (exclusivity with each other sexually and socially). Primary commitment is relatively easy for most people. Things are new, boredom has not had time to settle in, and people have not had the chance to get lazy about working on the relationship. They are motivated by the unique quality of their mate and usually also by some fantasy of how the whole thing is going to work out. It can be quite an enjoyable and delusional state.
During this time we may have emotional blinders on. We exhibit our best behavior and we don't want to see anything bad about the other person. It's a great time to be alive. Everything is new. Spending, sex, conversations, communications, and time together are all free-flowing. Some people call this the infatuation phase. Why does it feel so good? Research indicates that there really is a physiological change in us when relationships first begin. A neurotransmitter called oxytocin increases in our brains and gives us that pep in our step, the motivation to think about our mate several times a day, sometimes to be hypersexual, and gives us that great feeling of exuberance. Talk about Be Happy! It is the same neurotransmitter that is released during sex. It is a natural stimulant. For some people there is an addictive quality to this feeling. As soon as the "buzz" wears off, they break up and go looking for it elsewhere-never buying into secondary commitment. But for many, they just really enjoy the ecstatic feelings the situation brings.
Back in the 1990s a term came into psychotherapy called commitment phobia. In general phobias are irrational fears of specific things. According to some, people who are commitment phobic are essentially afraid of commitment. However, I believe this behavior has more to do with people failing to solidly engage in a relationship from the beginning. It is not a fear of commitment. It has more to do with people who are either self-centered or are afraid of failure.
The self-centered ones don't commit to a relationship because, in the back of their minds, they think there may be something better out there. But their current “love” will do for now. They bounce from one relationship to the next always thinking that something better will come along. They are narcissistic, which will manifest itself as superficiality. They are more focused on how they look, how much money they have, and are more interested in a trophy mate than a long-term relationship (think teenager who never grew up).
Failure phobics stay out of committed relationships because they fear the relationship will end (and they will get hurt). As mentioned in the Neighborhood Shrink Note on Trust and Forgiveness [Cornerstones of a Lasting Relationship, The Third corner: Trust (and Forgiveness)] the lack of ability to commit is based on the lack of ability to trust anyone. Failure phobics usually have a history of loss and pain, so in the back of their minds they have told themselves to never commit to anything that might hurt them. The problem is they also have a very compelling human drive to be in relationships and bond with others, combined with a strong sex drive. They are always fighting the go-away-come-closer fight.
Most of us are able to overcome these difficulties and fears and at least engage in primary commitment. Sometimes the trouble with staying together comes when we look at the longer-term.
Secondary Commitment
Many times we form feelings of a bonding attraction (through love and intimacy) for one another and agree to a longer-term commitment. It seems to be the natural progression in most cultures. If a couple stays together long enough, there is some expectation of commitment to one another and a natural emotional progression begins towards doing so. It can be an anxious time for both people. Fear of failure,loss of control or of the unknown when we do make a long-term commitment is a concern for most people. But, “commit” we do.
At some point the blinders come off, however. The relationship settles down and the reality of life kicks back in again.. It may take weeks, months, or years for this normalcy to return. Many times it is after we have made the secondary commitment through marriage. One morning, though, one or both partners wake up, look at one another, and say, "You are not the person I married." This can be a very troubling time in relationships. After reality kicks in, some couples begin to question their motives for staying in the relationship and even their affection for one another. Intimacy begins to falter, power struggles begin, and both original and secondary commitment are questioned. At the start of a relationship, there is little emotional distance between the couple and a strong motivation to become closer and closer. (I have observed clinically that relationships are rarely static. They are either moving together or moving apart.)
At some point the emotional distance may begin to broaden. It is usually after the blinders come off, when life becomes more complex, and the buzz of the initial relationship wears off. If it continues to get wider and wider without intervention, something happens. Couples report having feelings of being disconnected, are more argumentative, and will say things like "I just want it the way that it used to be", or they use phrases such as, "I love you but I'm not in love with you". At this point there may be a breakup or there might be an affair. One or both of them will find diversions like working 12 to 14 hours a day, spending more time drinking or socializing with their friends without their mate, or establish relationships (not necessarily sexual) outside of the marriage which are destructive. They may consistently complain about little things, or not communicate at all. Sometimes couples decide to have a child to ostensibly bring them back together. (This is not a good idea). Moms will get over involved with the kids and Dads will get over involved with work, and the divide is palpable.
Dealing with this wide emotional gap is what many couples come to counseling about. Their feelings have changed, the dynamics have changed, jobs have become more complex, many times children are involved, and the couple has chosen priorities higher than their relationship. They may be grieving the loss of their infatuation and angry that their partner is not who they appeared to be. This is where secondary commitment is tested. It is easy to be in a relationship when it is going well and feels good, but that's not what relationships are always about. The couple must stop and ask themselves privately if they are truly committed. It is the time for them to look back at their value system, their principles of living, and ask themselves if they want to gut it out. This is about integrity. Their fear is, if they stay, it will just continue to be bad or get worse-and many times they fantasize that there is something better out there, including being alone. They may be compelled to be self-indulgent by telling themselves they deserve better than what they are getting in the relationship. Self entitlement takes over and they leave.
Commitment is recognized as a cornerstone of a lasting relationship because without it-particularly in the tough times-relationships don't last. Where are you with yours? Are you prepared to stick it out? Is your commitment real, or is it conditional?
An identifiable difference between individuals in a relationship is the disparity in the fragility of the commitment from one person to the other. In other words, their definition of commitment is different. One of them may see commitment as non-negotiable, regardless of the turmoil, and will stay “committed” through thick and thin. They are clear on their values and principles, and pride themselves in their integrity. They are also the ones who are most hurt in a breakup because they do not understand their partner's fragile or conditional commitment. And it is clear that it takes two to create a long-lasting relationship.
Clinically it is evident that there are marriages and relationships that were never meant to be long-term. Perhaps they got married when they were young and did not realize what commitment was all about - they did not spend a long courtship getting to know each other with the blinders off. Maybe there are physical, sexual, substance abuse or violence issues that necessitates a breakup. In some relationships there really is a mutual agreement that things are not working out and it would be best for both of them to go their separate ways. In these relationships there never was a real expectation of secondary commitment.
What is also evident is that you don't get a divorce (or a breakup), you create one. There are too many facets to creating a divorce for this “note”, but the underlying idea is that you can create a breakup due to inactivity or passivity-by not paying attention to your relationship, having poor boundaries, losing your priorities, and doing nothing about the ever widening emotional gap. Or you can do something egregious, including having an affair, just not caring, or giving up. In any case commitment is missing and the relationship will not last.
If you're in the stages of forming a relationship, it is important that you not only consider your ability to commit, but that you also take a look at your partner’s history and ability to do so as well. I often hear people say after a breakup that they never saw it coming. They imply that there were no red flags in the beginning, that it all looked great, and that their partner looked like they were all in. The truth is, they were blinded by the light. The oxytocin took over I suppose. There are invariably, at least, some warning signs.
Watch the way your partner treats their family. Be mindful of their work ethic, their ability to keep promises-again this extends from something as simple as being on time to doing things that they say they are going to do. Do they exhibit a commitment to continuing to learn about and relate to you? Do they have good boundaries, including outside interests, friends, and activities that balance their lives so they do not have overwhelming expectations that a relationship can never meet? Do you know anything about their last relationships and do they take responsibility for any of the negative dynamics? Do they say one thing and do another? Pay close attention to their actions, not just to their words. Their ability to commit is just as important as yours if you want your relationship to last.
This is not to say that we don't all make mistakes and go against our word from time to time. What you need to consider is whether or not your partner is consistent in their commitment over the course of time. With your blinders on, these problems are more difficult to see. Open your eyes and look.
There are many definitions and examples of commitment in relationships. This Neighborhood Shrink Note identifies two different types; primary and secondary. Commitment is a cornerstone in a long-lasting relationship because without it, a relationship will crumble. If couples are committed to themselves and to the relationship they will survive most turmoil, including typical emotional distance which forms after the relationship has been together for a while. They will also find the ability to weather any storms that the outside world might bring.
These past three Neighborhood Shrink Notes have identified the four cornerstones of a lasting relationship … love, respect, trust, and commitment. All four are necessary for a binding relationship. You may have others. The ones identified here appear to be the most clinically relevant and are the ones couples who come to counseling consistently identify as the most important. If you are considering a long-term relationship, you may wish to stop and measure these elements. If some of your cornerstones are weak, that's OK. Take time to identify, enhance, and nurture them which will help bring longevity to your relationship.
Eugene D. “Chip” Weiner
The Neighborhood Shrink
www.neighborhoodshrink.com
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Disclaimer from behappy101.com: The thoughts and opinions expressed by The Neighborhood Shrink (Eugene D. "Chip" Weiner) are not necessarily those of Jimmy DeMesa, M.D., or BeHappy101.com. Jimmy edits these "notes" only for wording and grammar and, therefore, BeHappy101.com is not responsible for the content in these thoughts.
