Thoughts on Being Happy...
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I have lectured to thousands of people who are looking for one piece of information, one tidbit, for insight, for something that will help them gain happiness and balance in this complex world. I have counseled with thousands of courageous clients who have bravely made life-changing decisions, opened themselves up to their own scrutiny (one of the hardest things for us humans), and nervously laid all of their cards out on the table. I have had the opportunity to look beyond thousands of closed doors that we all operate behind in our minds and gain invaluable insight into how humans work - and how they don’t.
My approach in writing is the same as in therapy. I am not going to tell you how to be happy, only offer you some options. I'm not going to try to tell you what will work best for you, if you are normal, or if you need help. That must remain your decision. I am going to tell you that change is difficult. We all have a list of one hundred or more things that we ought to do. You know this. You know people who are in bad relationships and in insanely stressful jobs. You know those who are overweight, overworked, overstressed, oversexed, and overspenders. You know people who are obsessed, depressed, lonely, substance abusing, anxious, or just plain angry. You see it every day. They will tell you in their quieter moments that they need to change, yet they continue.
Why do we humans find change so difficult? I believe that has to do with our comfort in familiarity. It’s warmer inside our boxes. People will stay in a bad job, a mediocre relationship, or a difficult situation simply because it is familiar to them and they don't know what to expect outside of it. They fail to recognize their ability and strength to change and staying where they are is easier physically, emotionally and spiritually. But as the old adage says, if you get up tomorrow morning and take the same road, you will be in the same destination. If you get up tomorrow morning and take a different road, you will be in a different place. I cannot promise you it will be better - only that it will be different. The beautiful part about this is once you decide that you have the ability to make changes, change becomes easier. You will be unstuck. Once you learn that you can take a different path, changing paths is less complicated.
What about you? Do you have the quality of life that you are looking for? What are you avoiding? Are you happy? If not, what are you willing to do to get there? Don't tell Nike, but there's much more to it than "Just Do It". You have to want it, you need to be motivated, and your current situation has got to put you in enough pain that you are willing to change.
There is a Zen proverb that says, "The obstacle is the path". To me this says so much. Somewhere in our culture we are taught to believe that if we finally get the right mate, the right job, the right money, the right car, the perfect house, the right kids, or whatever else your grocery list entails, that we will be happy; that happiness comes from external things. We want to believe that when we get those things that the path becomes smooth and life is easy. You have lived long enough to know this is not the case. The obstacle is the path. Tomorrow morning when you wake up there will be a new mystery to solve. There will be a new problem to resolve. And, once that is solved, the next day there will be something else… sometimes large, sometimes small. But nonetheless life is about obstacles. Yep, some days suck. Once we accept the idea that life can be difficult, it somehow becomes easier. When we begin to expect and anticipate the next obstacle instead of waiting for life to get easy, we will begin to incorporate these obstacles in to our life instead of waiting for the path to smooth out. When you gather the strength and faith to get though the next thing instead of asking, “Why me?” the path becomes familiar. Your last obstacle in this life appears the day you put your head down on the pillow for the last time. Don't take it pessimistically; just accept it as "the path". If you follow this philosophy, change will come much easier (and your whining may stop).
I would also caution you in score keeping. If you're like many people I have counseled, you have more of a tendency to keep score of - and react more passionately about - the negative things. You will count, quantify and inventory your problems, your worries, concerns, and disappointments and let them negatively influence your life. Maybe you hold grudges against people for things that happened long ago. Do not fail to keep the other side of the scoreboard, which includes your successes, your positive relationships, what makes you happy, and your ability to forgive. Keeping these in mind counterbalances problems and gives us a more positive attitude.
About Being Happy
People do not come to my office because they are happy. Rarely do they stop by to declare a glorious day. People come to my office because they are in trouble. One of the first ideas that I attempt to have them grasp is how to deal with not being happy. So many times we are told that we should be happy all of the time. That is just sheer hocus-pocus. The happiest people in the world face difficult challenges and the saddest people have good days (although they sometimes fail to admit it). Learning how to deal with the lack of happiness is the most important part because happiness sometimes takes time. And while this may seem counter-intuitive, once you learn to accept your lack of happiness your load may lighten. Before telling yourself you should be happy, you must really understand why you are not. Stop the battle going on between your ears. If we do not accept where we are it is hard to go elsewhere.
In the therapists chair it is easy to the idealistic. In session oftentimes clients and I discuss the way things should be. (Albert Ellis, developer of Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy, called this shoulding all over ourselves). From the therapists chair it is easy to prescribe perfect ways of thinking and behaving. In reality it's not so easy.
Lastly, stop spending so much dang time looking in the rear view mirror. If you're going to be happy you must stop comparing yourself to others, go easy on the self-criticism, stop being so judgmental, and get your brain around the idea that you are where you are supposed to be. Then begin to define what happiness looks like to you. Ease up on where you have been and what you have done and let it go. It's time to move forward. Ready to start?
Eugene D. “Chip” Weiner
The Neighborhood Shrink
www.neighborhoodshrink.com
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Click here to return to the BeHappy101.com homepage Disclaimer from behappy101.com: The thoughts and opinions expressed by The Neighborhood Shrink (Eugene D. "Chip" Weiner) are not necessarily those of Jimmy DeMesa, M.D., or BeHappy101.com. Jimmy edits these "notes" only for wording and grammar and, therefore, BeHappy101.com is not responsible for the content in these thoughts.
