The following series of Neighborhood Shrink Notes (NSNs) are related to sex. As you have seen in other NSNs, sex is a natural theme that runs through most lives and many relationships. These articles are primarily related to issues that have been identified in heterosexual couples, although many of them apply to homosexual relationships as well.
Without a doubt, the two biggest sexual “problems” are, to put it most simply, men and women. As a species, humans tend to create more problems than seen in most other places in the animal world. I suppose it comes from the ability to have reflexive thinking and be the most "advanced" in the animal world.
Sexual dysfunction is rare with most other animals. Of course pathology is possible in all living tissue. And, other areas of the animal kingdom have to deal with such things as being the alpha male, being in heat, and survival of the fittest. But in humans so many of our sexual problems are related to... well…being human. Having such complex sexual natures probably intensifies the enjoyment of our sex lives, but it also complicates it and sometimes makes it very difficult to handle.
Our Minds
Our brains are arguably the most powerful sex organ in our body. Without it (and our central nervous system) sex would not be possible. How we feel, what we think, and what we do are all controlled by this main “sex organ”. If we use it to our advantage, our mind can bring us great pleasure. Conversely, many things related to our brains also cause great displeasure and sexual problems.
At a basic level, what we think of ourselves contributes to our perceptions about sex. What we think about our bodies, what we think about our mates, and what we think about sex in general all contribute to our sexual satisfaction (or lack thereof). With all this thinking, it's impressive that sex happens as often as it does.
Our minds create problems with self concept. I have counseled many couples where sex has primarily ceased because one of the two people thinks they are fat or unattractive or just generally have a poor self concept. What we think of our bodies really matters when it comes to being sexual.
Our minds also create stress and anxiety that can impact most sex lives. (As we have seen, stress exists in our brains, not outside of our bodies). People who are stressed and anxious report increased sexual problems, difficulties with intimacy, and most often fail to make time for sex. Anxiety taken to the extreme can turn into obsessive thinking about the idea of preventing pregnancy, avoiding sexually transmitted illnesses, body odors, getting caught, what other people think, etc. See how powerful our brains are!
If our lives are chaotic, our brains will be chaotic, and there could be less interest in sex. Mood disorders (depression and bipolar disorder) are also closely correlated with sexual desire problems and decreased ego strength (self-esteem). People who are depressed literally do not feel like having sex.
The perceptions we have about our partners also acutely affect our sex lives. Many other NSNs have addressed emotionally connected or disconnected sex. I suppose the conclusion (in general) is how we feel about our partners really matters. If we are angry, feel uncared for, have any sense of betrayal, or are lacking any of the Four Cornerstones of a Lasting Relationship (trust, love, commitment, or respect) - our ability to have a meaningful sexual relationship may be impacted.
So, as you can see, what we think about ourselves, the circumstances of our lives, our mood, and how we perceive our partners all happen in our brain and can impact our sex lives.
Our Bodies
Most of the time our bodies need to be functional in order to have a positive sexual experience. While I have heard of spontaneous orgasms brought on by erotic thoughts and fantasies (the only cases I've heard of are in women - outside of wet dreams in men), the frequency is rare. So, most of us need functional bodies to experience sexual pleasure. Physical problems can impede pleasurable sex.
For many people disease is a problem. Diabetes, high blood pressure, and circulatory problems-to name a few-can cause problems with sex. Alcohol and drug addiction are also real problems when it comes to sexual functioning. For many people the side effects of prescription medications prove to be a hindrance to sex as well.
Weight can also be a significant problem. Men who are obese are not only more prone to diabetes and other diseases, but many times have physical difficulty with sexual positions - as well as penis size (men who have significant fat pads in their lower abdomen will actually have a reduced portion of the penis externally). For women, obesity can also contribute to disease, but causes some of the same problems related to sexual positioning as well. Many times as mentioned above, because of significant weight gain, women have less sexual desire because they have such poor images of themselves. (On a side note - speaking of the human condition - did you know that obesity rarely exists in other species outside of domesticated animals?)
Does (genital) size matter?
Speaking of bodies, this question often comes up. The simple answer is "it depends." A more appropriate question is "Are partners compatible?" For the longest time men have been concerned with the length of their penis. If you ask some women, penis length means less than penis girth (width). Typically women experience the most sensation on the first inner third of their vagina. So, reaching their cervix (at the top of the vaginal canal) is not as important to them. As far as pleasure is concerned, the compatibility of the "tightness" of the vagina and the width of the penis is what matters. Usually, in intercourse, friction makes the difference. Too much is painful, and too little is not stimulating. So the question to ask is "Do the parts fit each other?" Also keep in mind that women reach orgasm in several ways: through clitoral stimulation, vaginal intercourse, and the combination of these. Much to the dismay of many men, somewhere around 80% of women are orgasmic primarily through clitoral stimulation, not intercourse. (There are other ways but we'll leave that alone today)
Penis size changes as men get older. This has to do with circulation and the buildup of plaque in the spongy tissues. The size of the vagina also changes due to sexual experience, childbirth, and a thinning of the vaginal walls as hormone levels change with age. The bottom line is that compatibility matters more than size.
Putting It All Together - Mind and Body
Compatibility is important when it comes to perceptions about sex when thinking about mind and body. Are partners like minded when it comes to the frequency of sex? What about positions, places, sex toys, fantasies, and their overall approach to sex. In a more traditional and puritanical relationship, sex is only for procreation. For more modern couples, sex is not only for pleasure and procreation, but it builds an emotional bond. Even if we are compatible with our sexual partners, we must keep in mind that the frequency and interest in sex declines as we get older. According to a recent study at the University of Chicago Medical Center's Department of obstetrics and gynecology, at the age of 30 men have an average of 35 years of sexually active time remaining. Women have approximately 31 years. The conclusion is that on average, sex is essentially over as we approach the age of 70.
In summary, my strong recommendation for many of my clients dealing with sexual difficulties is to "lighten up". Stop thinking so much. Sex is probably most enjoyable in humans when we approach it like other animals...a natural, pleasurable, and necessary activity. Are you complicating it?
If you have thoughts about the nature of human sexuality, specific examples to share, or thoughts about this NSN, I'd love to hear from you. Please put your comments below. The next Neighborhood Shrink Notes on Sex will address gender specific sexual problems, both psychological and physical. Stay tuned!
Eugene D. “Chip” Weiner The Neighborhood Shrink www.neighborhoodshrink.com
Chip’s practice has a no-nonsense, solution focused approach to counseling therapy and coaching for anyone who needs help.
He offers several Mental Health Professional seminars, including self care for professionals, technology for private practice, and Initial Assessment Review.
He also offers a full compliment of corporate training including Stress Management, Giving Great Customer Service, and Dealing With Difficult People.
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Disclaimer from behappy101.com: The thoughts and opinions expressed by The Neighborhood Shrink (Eugene D. "Chip" Weiner) are not necessarily those of Jimmy DeMesa, M.D., or BeHappy101.com. Jimmy edits these "notes" only for wording and grammar and, therefore, BeHappy101.com is not responsible for the content in these thoughts.
