For many years, female orgasms were treated as elusive or nonexistent in our culture. Following studies by Alfred Kinsey and his colleagues it was brought to light that women have a similar sexual response cycle to men, including with respect to orgasms. Yet, today female orgasms still seem somewhat elusive for many couples. Possibly one of the biggest problems has to do with their expectations.
Expectations…
In many circumstances couples expect women to feel, respond, and climax the same way as men. Primarily this means women are expected to be able to climax during intercourse.
Another expectation has to do with timing. Generally, there is a belief that men have an orgasm much faster than women, leaving their partners unsatisfied. However, part of the Kinsey report showed that the majority of women masturbated to orgasm within 4 minutes. The conclusion was that it was not a lack of the ability to have an orgasm, but a lack of technique.
Also, for many women, discussing sex or seeking sexual pleasure for themselves remains taboo. I’ve honestly heard female clients say they have sex mainly out of “wifely duty” instead of for personal pleasure While pleasing our partner sexually is a great goal, it remains a curiosity as to a woman’s own ability to seek and attain sexual pleasure.
As mentioned above, it is often presumed that women will reach climax through intercourse. However, according to Dr. Drew Pinsky, the majority of women climax through clitoral stimulation and not just through penetration. Unlike most men, simply having intercourse-no matter the duration- is not enough to lead a woman to orgasm. Women generally need other forms of stimulation through oral sex, manual stimulation, or pressure from friction created by a man’s pubic bone against her clitoris during intercourse.
Women are also unique in what brings them to orgasm. Some women can climax simply through nipple stimulation, some through anal sex, and reportedly a very few can have an orgasm just by thinking sexual thoughts.
Other women find it very difficult to climax. There are many reasons for this, but research indicates that it is primarily due to lack of stimulation in the right place. Delay or lack of ability to have an orgasm can be very distressing for both a women and her partner. Sometimes both of them feel more pressure to perform, which only leads to additional frustration. It can create a cycle where the frustration causes a woman to lose interest in sex altogether.
In her ground-breaking work, Shere Hite interviewed 100,000 women between the ages of 14 and 78. The Hite Report1, first published in 1976 and updated in 2004, summarizes what women like and do not like about sex, and how an orgasm really feels to them. (It would be a great read for women and their partners who are having difficulty sexually.) It was through her work that the importance of clitoral stimulation and masturbation were first reported. The conclusion to Hite’s work is that it’s not that women can’t have orgasms; it’s that attitudes and practices need to change for it to happen more often.
What to do…
If you are a woman having issues in this area, the first thing to determine is whether you’re able to have an orgasm currently or not. Usually this involves masturbation. If a woman is able to bring herself to climax, but is not able to do so during a sexual encounter with a sexual partner, it could be a stimulation or technique problem. One way is to experiment with masturbating during the sexual encounter. Sometimes getting closer to orgasm prior to penetration is helpful. However, as with other sexual difficulties, it may be an emotional or psychological issue.
Our thoughts, feelings, and attitudes can also get in the way of full sexual functioning. If you are able to reach orgasm through self stimulation but not during sex with others, a conversation with a sex therapist could be of great benefit. Again, one of the most important elements to improved sexual satisfaction is an understanding and motivated partner. Emotional pressure is no friend to an orgasm!
If you’re unable to reach an orgasm on your own, it may be time to either discuss this with your physician or a sex therapist. If everything is normal physically, the focus may need to be on getting comfortable with yourself, first through self stimulation. Working through any hang-ups or conflicts is also important to many women for full sexual satisfaction. If you are able to please yourself, you may be able to teach a partner to do the same.
There are many women (and men) who can’t have orgasms. They are able to get through the first two stages of the sexual response cycle, but unable to climax. Determining whether it is a physiological, psychological, or a naturally occurring event is important.
If you are the partner of a woman having difficulty with orgasms, now would be a great time to shut up and listen. Put your pride aside and tune in to what she is saying or wants you to learn. Open yourself up to new ideas, techniques, and timing. If sex talk is uncomfortable for both of you, be bold enough to open the door on the subject and approach it gently, but assertively. Obviously, if the problem is relational, and your woman is feeling emotionally distant or disconnected from you, the place to start is with healing the gap.
Other things to consider…
In addition to the general causes already discussed for difficulties with reaching orgasm, there are several specific, common gynecological conditions that can also inhibit orgasms.
Dyspareunia is a term used for pain during intercourse. It is not an uncommon condition. There can be several causes for it, including the following:
Vaginismus is a painful spasm of the muscles surrounding the vaginal opening. It can make penetration difficult or even impossible. There are several causes for this condition including childbirth, infection, and even reactions to latex products (condoms).
Vaginitis is inflammation of the vaginal tissues, which can make intercourse uncomfortable or painful. It also has several causes including infections, allergic reactions, and irritations.
PID (Pelvic Inflammatory Disease), ovarian cysts, and endometriosis can all cause painful intercourse and sometimes obstruction of the vaginal canal.
Clearly, if intercourse or sexual activity is painful, orgasms can be inhibited or prevented. Many of these conditions can be serious and, therefore, need to be treated by a medical professional as soon as possible. Infections can become systemic, which can lead to greater problems, and can also be passed on to a partner.
Orgasm disorders are a common problem both for men and women. If you are experiencing this issue, the first place to start is with education. Do some research and get some information. Be sure to share this information with your partner! If it continues, consider consulting a professional. Please feel free to contact me using the “comment section” below if you have an issue you need to address or if you’ve had a sexual problem in the past which has been solved that could help others. Discussing sex - especially orgasms - can be difficult. But, consider the benefit you and your partner will gain if you’re able to resolve this problem and increase your sexual pleasure!
Please feel free to leave me a comment or ask a question in the comment section below! And if you haven't read the other three parts of this series, just click on the links here to go directly to those Notes:
Chip’s practice has a no-nonsense, solution focused approach to counseling therapy and coaching for anyone who needs help.
He offers several Mental Health Professional seminars, including self care for professionals, technology for private practice, and Initial Assessment Review.
He also offers a full compliment of corporate training including Stress Management, Giving Great Customer Service, and Dealing With Difficult People.
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Disclaimer from behappy101.com: The thoughts and opinions expressed by The Neighborhood Shrink (Eugene D. "Chip" Weiner) are not necessarily those of Jimmy DeMesa, M.D., or BeHappy101.com. Jimmy edits these "notes" only for wording and grammar and, therefore, BeHappy101.com is not responsible for the content in these thoughts.
