Relationship Beginnings:
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The unfortunate part is that he did know what he was doing. He was out to take advantage of her. He was very cunning and convincing. He slowly groomed her into a vulnerable position. After six months of their relationship together he had drained her bank accounts, taken a second mortgage on her home, and disappeared. She came to find out through the police and Internet search that he had done this before.
This woman was intelligent. She had been working in her same job for 10 years in a middle management position. She had accumulated some money from a small inheritance from her parents and was putting money away for retirement. It was all now lost!
How does this happen? How does an intelligent experienced woman get so taken? As the story unfolded she discussed a few failed relationships and that she never really had anything truly serious. Appearance wise she was obese and dressed very conservatively. She was in her early 40s and seemed somewhat desperate to find a mate. She was not very socially connected, spent a lot of time doing her job, and her main outside interests were her two German shepherds. She also spent a lot of time on the Internet. In short, she was lonely and emotionally desperate. A good-looking, charismatic man comes along and tells her just what she wants to hear, how much he cares about her, how he wants to share the rest of his life with her, and that he just needs to work through a few problems. In hindsight she stated that it all seemed too good to be true. Obviously it was!
Loneliness is a powerful emotion. It leads intelligent and sensitive people to do things they would not otherwise do - especially when it comes to intimate relationships. They participate in unfulfilling relations because any relationship is better than nothing for resolving their loneliness. They can be blinded by the relief they periodically get from having someone. It is another form of self-delusion. These fear-of-being-lonely motivated relationships take several forms. Here is a list of a few:
- They get involved with someone who is married (or otherwise very emotionally involved with another person) but who promises that they are going to divorce or break up.
- They get involved in an ostensibly “friends with benefits" relationship even though they really want more.
- They get involved with someone who lives far away (many times in another country) and who promises to eventually move closer (or move-in) but doesn’t. However, that person doesn't mind asking for money or other means of support from afar.
- They get involved with someone over the Internet either through a dating site or a chat room who consistently promises to intensify the relationship.
- They get involved with someone who is in prison (any relationship is better than loneliness to them).
- They seek out various types of sexual relationships - even if these relationships go against their personal values - in order to feel close and connected to somebody. Sex can even be with strangers, but for those few moments they get a sense of connectedness and out of their lonely mind.
These are some common traits that people who are self-deluded through loneliness exhibit: a lack of ego strength (self-esteem), usually socially constricted or anxious (they don't have a lot of friends), and/or they may have a relatively unsuccessful relationship history. There is also a cycle of lack of self-care which contributes to obesity. The obesity leads to fewer relationships which leads back to more loneliness1. There may be strong traits of codependency or heroism (they like playing a hero to the downtrodden). It's a perfect mix to get taken advantage of.
If there is any chance you may be subject to this “lost in loneliness” issue, here are some questions to ask about you and your potential mate:
- Step back and check yourself. Look in the mirror. You know the reality! Are you in over your head? Is this one of those too good to be true situations? You have enough experience to know what your capacity and limitations are. Don't lose sight of the fact that we are a superficial culture. Are you emotionally vulnerable to being taken advantage of?
- Do they promise a more meaningful relationship but only come around for sex?
- Do you have a history of emotionally distant relationships? In other words, is this your pattern and is history repeating itself?
- Have you become increasingly dependent on them for contact? Do you incessantly check your e-mails, snail mail, and become anxious when you have not heard from them? Have you lost sense of your self and your identity by giving up your friends (or your job, your resources, or distanced yourself from your family?) Many times these are related to dependency and codependency. Check yourself! You may be losing you!
- Have they very quickly expressed their undying love, their wish to spend the rest of their lives with you, or have you done the same? Are they in hyper drive when it comes to complementing or validating you? Does their love talk seem abnormal? After all, they are relative strangers! Does it feel too magical too fast?
- Have they made specific un-kept promises? Is it a pattern? Do they disappear for periods of time with no knowledge as to their whereabouts and become defensive when you ask?
- What are your friends or family saying about them? Is their opinion credible?
- Has your potential mate mentioned enormous unverifiable wealth that they will eventually share?
- Have they asked for money, access to personal records, or any other type personal or financial information? Are you tempted to loan them money but have an uneasy feeling about it?
- Are they gainfully employed and can you verify it?
- Do they have history online? Many times scammers use dating sites for fishing. Their profiles might look great, but there is no other evidence of them existing anywhere. For example, do they have a verifiable address? A lot of people will at least come up on a Classmates type site.
- Do they live locally? If they live far away, how exactly are you going to have any type of relationship with them outside of an Internet connection (and possibly your checking account). Common scams come from countries like Nigeria and Ghana. If you need to, tell them the relationship can start when they get here.
Here's what to do if you think you are being scammed:
- Do some research. If you have suspicions, hit the Internet and do some checking. While Googling a potential lover may seem paranoid it beats the heck out of the alternative when they turn out to be a scammer.
- Seek support from others. There are several places on the Internet where you can get more information and talk with others who have been through the same thing (see below).
If you find yourself motivated by loneliness in negative ways, be careful! There are people out there that will take advantage of you. Get some help. Read books on assertiveness training, positive relationships, and Being Happy!
| Do you have a story to share about being taken advantage of? I'd love to hear it. Use the comment form below to send me a note. Obviously if I ever use it in one of my Neighborhood Shrink Notes I will do so anonymously. |
To read the other two parts of this "Relationship Beginnings" series from The Neighborhood Shrink, click on these links:
Relationship Beginnings: Don't Get Lost in Love
Relationship Beginnings: Don't Get Lost in Lust
Here are some other references related to romance scams.
- http://groups.yahoo.com/group/romancescams
- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Romance_scam#A_psychological_analysis_of_a_typical_scam_directed_towards_women
- http://www.romancescams.org/
Eugene D. “Chip” Weiner
The Neighborhood Shrink
www.neighborhoodshrink.com
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Chip’s practice has a no-nonsense, solution focused approach to counseling therapy and coaching for anyone who needs help. |
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Disclaimer from behappy101.com: The thoughts and opinions expressed by The Neighborhood Shrink (Eugene D. "Chip" Weiner) are not necessarily those of Jimmy DeMesa, M.D., or BeHappy101.com. Jimmy edits these "notes" only for wording and grammar and, therefore, BeHappy101.com is not responsible for the content in these thoughts.
