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This Neighborhood Shrink Note is about giving you options to think about for improving your relationship. I am calling this the “Man Up” Menu.
Men:
If you are a male, one of the ways you can "man up" in your relationship is to be inquisitive with your woman about what she wants. This takes a lot of courage. Many times men have a tendency to give their women what they think they want instead of asking them outright. Show her this menu and let her check off what she thinks she's getting and not getting. Whatever she says, don't take it personally. After she goes through this, you can make some decisions about if and what you want to change. I recognize that these are gross generalizations and stereotypes. But, most stereotypes hold some truths. You may already be doing some of these things or have no intention of doing them. Not all of these work in every relationship. But taking into consideration the opinion of your woman can be very helpful for your relationship.
Women:
If you are a woman and you would like your guy to “man up”, take this list to him – already checked off with what you think you’re getting and not getting. As with my advice to the guys, don’t take their response personally. This is a relationship-building tool. Use it if it makes sense for you.
THE MAN UP MENU
Look good!This does not mean that you need be a magazine cover. It means most women want men who are well groomed and who take care of their bodies. You do not need to be rich to keep your hair cut or your body in shape. Keep yourself clean, and your teeth brushed... You know, all of those things that they taught us in middle school hygiene class. For most couples, the initial attraction is physical. Keeping yourself looking good increases your confidence and many times is important to your woman. Ask her what she likes about your wardrobe or what she would change.Listen and be interested.And then listen again. Do not offer advice or try to fix her problems. Don't take responsibility for her emotional state. Open your ears and duct tape your mouth. Genuinely care about what's going on in her life, but don't take full responsibility for making it better. She is smart enough to do that. Turn off the television, the Internet, and your cell phone and be attentive. If you have lost interest there is really something wrong.Be motivated and confident.Women tend to be attracted to men who are driven. They like men who have established goals and responsibilities with a sense of direction. While good looks are important, most psychological research indicates that in the long run personality characteristics mean more to women than simple physical attraction.Make her feel like a woman.This includes feeling and exhibiting love and sexual desire towards her. (If you do not feel this, see the Neighborhood Shrink Note on Intimacy Leaks). You need to tell her that you care about her, are attracted to her, and give her something to create an emotional bond with. The fact that you have a penis and are ready to use it may not be enough. She needs to feel special and unique in your eyes. Show her romance - whatever that means to her - frequently. Tell her you love her, that you find her sexy, and mean it.Don't ogle other women.While it may be natural to look, saying things such as "Look at the butt on that one!" can be very insensitive. Check your lady’s tolerance for your flirtation with, or admiration for, other women. If her tolerance is low, keep it down and to yourself. You might also find that her tolerance for your flirtation increases if she feels a stronger sense of connection with you and less insecurity about your relationship.Keep passion in sex.A quickie may be good every once in a while, but being attentive, loving, and passionate is important in her overall sex life. One of the major complaints I hear from women in long-term relationships is the loss of passion. Let her help you define what that is and keep it alive!Enthusiastically parent your children.Some guys don't get this. If you want appreciation from the mother of your children, participate enthusiastically. So many dads these days just fill in the blanks - for example when mom is too tired. You brought them into the world - now parent them. It is amazing how many women are turned on by men who help around the house, help with the kids, and acknowledge the challenges in their worlds. Proactively and enthusiastically help with her needs around the house instead of waiting to be asked.Talk her up around others.Tell your friends, your family, your coworkers, and your colleagues how great your woman is. It is a missing common thread with many emotionally detached men. Some guys will talk about their jobs hobbies or their cars, but fail to mention their gratitude for their spouses. Talk her up! If your buddies call you whipped, smile and understand that they don’t get it.Be thankful.Be thankful. Express your gratitude for what she does instead of complaining about what she doesn't do. She is in your life for a reason. Express your appreciation for that. Critics find fault. Men must be complimentary. If she tells you that you don't have to thank her, smile and do it anyway.Be a gentleman.Remember when you used to open doors for her and complement the way she looked? Have you lost it? Get it back! Pull her chair out for her, say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’, and show her the same respect you might show a respected elder. To put it another way, treat her the same way that you might teach your son to treat your mother. If you have never done this, try it. If you have questions, do a search for good manners on the Internet.Give her a sense of physical, emotional, and financial security.She needs to know that you are emotionally available, are able to protect her if she feels physically threatened, and have the means to give the family financial security whether both of you work or not.Give her acceptance and validation.For some this sounds like psychobabble, but so many women have told me that being accepted for who they are instead of who they are supposed to be is incredibly powerful. Validating someone is letting them know that whatever they think, say, or do is OK in your eyes (as long as this is true - see Be Trustworthy below).Keep your family out of it.No matter how connected you are to your family, interference from them can sabotage your relationship. Many times women report feeling as though they are less important than their man's family. If your mother is intrusive, if you feel put in the middle, or if you run home to your parents when there is a problem in your relationship, this applies to you. If you have identifiable mommy issues - e.g., you ask your mother's advice when it comes to your relationship or choose your mother's opinion over the opinion of your wife/lover - this applies to you. Man up. Figure this one out with your woman. If you use your lover as a mom instead of a partner, this applies to you as well.Make a damn decision!No really - that is the way one wife put it in counseling a couple of weeks ago. Her primary complaint was that she "always" made the decisions. She would ask her husband if he wanted to go out to dinner and he would say yes. When she asked him where, he would tell her he didn't care or didn’t know. The same thing happened when it came to making decisions about activities on the weekend, if he liked what she was wearing, and even in more important issues related to finances. Take a stand. Give an opinion. Recognize how frustrating it is to have a partner "does not care". This is a partnership. Get and stay involved!Add structure.This goes along with making a decision. Take out a calendar and help with a short, medium, and a long-term plan. Talk about what you will be responsible for then do it. Take the lead and get the entire family involved if that is appropriate.Talk about the future and possibly your dreams.While this may make you feel vulnerable, it lets your woman know that you are at least thinking about where you are going together. It also may give her some insight into who you are by hearing about your dreams. This may sound “girlie” to you, but it is one of the ways that she can connect with you. Making yourself vulnerable to her also shows that you trust her.Be trustworthy.This is not about cheating or other big issues. This is about doing what you say you are going to do. If you promised to cut the grass, watch the kids, or discuss that problem that you blew off yesterday, do it. Be good for your word-especially in the small stuff. Don't lie... not even small lies…not even white lies that might make her feel better. If she has difficulty hearing the truth, you need to make that clear and figure out a way to adjust her reactions. But don't lie.You need to be a combination of Mr. Nice Guy, Bad Boy, and the emotionally distant man. Mr. Nice Guy does it all. He is attentive, subordinates his needs to the needs of his family, and is always there. But, Mr. Nice Guy has no edge. The Bad Boy has an edge but is very self-centered. It is exciting to be with the Bad Boy, but he is irresponsible. The emotionally distant guy is like a secret lover. He does not get tangled up in the chaos of a relationship, but is there to play and for excitement. It is what draws many women into extramarital affairs. You may also need to understand that what she needs today may be different tomorrow. Dr. Drew Pinsky- host of the radio and television show Loveline-describes some women's presence as a Rubik's cube. It can be multidimensional and ever-changing. You need to accept this part instead of waiting for her to "calm down". What is she looking for today? Also keep in mind that everybody's needs changes over time. What you need from your mate at 20 years old is much different possibly from what you need now.Other (write your own here)...
I am sure I have missed some subjects. You can add your own. Guys, is it time to man up? Run this menu by your woman and see what she checks off. Gals, do you want (or need) your guy to man up? Use this list to check off what you think you’re getting and then run this by your man.
Stay tuned for the next Note from the Desk of the Neighborhood Shrink. It is "Men Want Women to 'Woman Up'", a menu format to help women understand what men actually want in a relationship.
Eugene D. “Chip” Weiner The Neighborhood Shrink www.neighborhoodshrink.com
Chip’s practice has a no-nonsense, solution focused approach to counseling therapy and coaching for anyone who needs help.
He offers several Mental Health Professional seminars, including self care for professionals, technology for private practice, and Initial Assessment Review.
He also offers a full compliment of corporate training including Stress Management, Giving Great Customer Service, and Dealing With Difficult People.
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Disclaimer from behappy101.com: The thoughts and opinions expressed by The Neighborhood Shrink (Eugene D. "Chip" Weiner) are not necessarily those of Jimmy DeMesa, M.D., or BeHappy101.com. Jimmy edits these "notes" only for wording and grammar and, therefore, BeHappy101.com is not responsible for the content in these thoughts.
Is your marriage in trouble? Is it just not "great" and could be a bit better? If the answer to either of these questions is 'yes'...
Look good!