The Other Love TriangleNotes From the Desk of
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You are a divorced mother who has remarried, and you have one child. The triangle looks like this… You are at the top (A), your new husband is in one corner (B), and your child is in the other (C). Each leg of the triangle represents a relationship between two people.
Problems can arise when one leg of the triangle gets interrupted by someone who is not naturally part of that leg. You might feel the need to get in the middle of the relationship between your new husband and your kid; maybe to kick start it, make it better, or ease your fear that they won’t get along.
But think about this! It is essential that they develop their own ability to relate to each other. That is not to say that you should not be interested in the relationship or mindless about it. But stay out of the middle. Coach one or both of them as necessary. You may know them better than they know each other. But stay out of the middle. Several factors including guilt, control, or conflict might compel you to be over-involved. Have patience, and watch your expectations. He is not their biological father and both of them know that.
Again, it's not that you shouldn't be involved in the relationship of others. In the example above you and your new husband will definitely need to discuss what role he will play in disciplining and parenting your child (ideally before you get married). You and your child will need to have open and frequent conversations about what the new family will be like. Then, from time to time, check in with your kid to see how they are doing. However, you controlling what their relationship looks like does not allow for the natural development of that relationship.
Clearly other family situations can end up triangulated. The ABCs of this triangle change. Stop for a second and think about your relationships. Where might you either put yourself in the middle or feel put in the middle by others? Do you try to influence the relationship between your partner and your family? Are you overly involved in keeping peace between your children (to the point of not allowing them to develop skills to resolve their own conflict)? Do you get in the way at work by either micromanaging people who are subordinate to you or gossip about others (talk about intrusive)? Where is the triangulation in your life?
This is not just about you getting in the middle of others relationships. It is also about you being aware of when others get in your way. For example, many times a child will try to supplant themselves between parents. This is called splitting-where the child knows that they can manipulate one parent against the other. It is why the idea of co-parenting is so important. As I have already mentioned, your or your partner’s parents can also stick themselves right in the middle of your interactions with each other. It is important that you maintain independent relationships with both your significant other and your family.
You may have family members or friends who want you to be in the middle. They feel insecure or overwhelmed and want you to intervene. Doing so does not empower them to overcome differences in their relationships. It can also stress you out! Stop being the hero and stay out of the way. Encourage them to work it out on their own. Be supportive, not codependent. Teach them that you will not be the judge, the referee, the tennis net, or the mediator.
This has all kinds of implications in freshly divorced families as well. One parent might talk poorly about the other parent. I have also seen one parent attempt to influence (ostensibly positively) a child's relationship with their other parent. One mom felt guilty (and was making herself crazy) because her three-year-old son would not talk with his estranged father over the phone every night-as the court ordered. He's a three-year-old! She was trying to make a relationship better that had no potential for being better. She also did not think that her ex-husband was a very good father, but wanted to make the best of it for her son. The truth is, over the course of the years of her son will need to figure out what kind of man his father is.
In embracing the idea of avoiding triangulation is not to encourage the segregation of family members. Families are a unit/team and need to act as such. However, every team has individual members, and those members have relationships within the team. It can sometimes be a tough balance to strike between interfering and interacting. But, it is important balance nonetheless.
So, triangulation can happen in one of three ways. You get in the middle of someone else's relationship, you allow someone else to get in the middle of your relationship, or you'll allow someone else to put you in the middle of their relationship. Anyway you look at it, potentially you are in the way. Check yourself. If you do a lot of this, what is your motivation? You may have a very strong control orientation, be conflict avoidant, or just be a snoop. Lighten up and back off. Concentrate on your leg of the triangle.
Eugene D. “Chip” Weiner
The Neighborhood Shrink
www.neighborhoodshrink.com
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