Let's Talk About SexNotes From the Desk of
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For many couples talking about sex is taboo. It's not that they don't have sex, it's that they have problems talking about it. It can lead to disappointment, lack of satisfaction, and eventually a breakdown in sexual activity. So, if you are in a relationship where discussions about sex either don’t happen or are difficult, here are some ideas about how to have sexual discussions:
Talk about talking about it. In other words inquire with one another if you think your communication about sex is good, how it might improve, and about your partner’s interest and comfort level with discussing it. Ask your partner about their fears and belief system in discussing sex. This is a great time to shut up and listen if they are reluctant. If your partner is uncomfortable right now, agree to set time aside where you can have a frank and private conversation when the time is right. Don't force it.
Figure out the vocabulary. What kinds of words are you and your partner comfortable using? Some people are okay with slang words, others are not. What do you call your different parts? How are you and your partner supposed to refer to your genitals? How about the different sex acts? Before you can have an active discussion you need to know the vocabulary both of you are comfortable with.
Mutual respect. The conversation needs to be mutually respectful of each other. If one person doesn't like a certain something, manipulating them into submission is not going to make sex better. If they don't like it-and are unwilling to experiment with it-leave it alone. Also be careful about blaming. "You never initiate sex", is not a great way to open conversation about improving your sex life. Talk about what you want, using "I." statements. "I would like it if you...", etc.. Try to avoid "why" questions, like "Why do you never want sex?" It is a generalization and an accusation. It might sound better like "Is there anything I can do to interest you more sexually?"
Be prepared. You are asking for absolute honesty. If your partner is avoiding sex for an uncomfortable reason, be prepared to hear it. Uncomfortable reasons can include body odor, pain, timing, erectile dysfunction, anxiety, and body issues including being overweight, and even lack of attraction. Again, be quiet and listen. Focus on solutions instead of problems.
Don't expect a mind reading. As in many other situations, some couples expect their partner to know what they want. During sex you might assume that if you groan a certain way that they will "get it". Sometimes they do, sometimes they don't. Having a discussion prior to sex can be very helpful. The problem is that many couples believe that sexual activity ought to be spontaneous, but then get disappointed because it's not as fulfilling as it might have been. Tell your partner what you like and don't like. Tell them what you would like to try. It is very important that you be very specific with your ideas related to sex.
Pay attention to external things. The fact that your partner does not wish to discuss sex right now doesn't mean that they don't want to discuss sex at all. Ask them to give you a timeframe. They may need time to think about it, are surprised by your request, or have had a bad day and just aren't in the mood to discuss it.
Keep your conversation focused on sex. It's easy to get diverted when discussing sex. For example, your lover might tell you that work stresses them out often and they're not in the mood. Don't get off on a tangent about work. Ask what it is that you can do to ease their stress, change their mood, or what time might be better (perhaps not at the end of the workday).
Listen and restate. If you ask your partner a question, listen to what they have to say. Repeat it back to them to make sure you have every detail, concern, and a full understanding of where they are coming from. There is a higher likelihood of compromise if the two of you attempt to understand each other's thoughts instead of defend your own.
Attempt to find a compromise. If your partner prefers sex once a week and you prefer four times a week is there any neutral ground? Can the two of you come to terms about what is practical? You also need to be asking yourself what will motivate your partner to meet more of your needs sexually. Remain positive at all costs. If this turns into an unresolved conflict, you are back to square one. If it gets to where you are unable to find a compromise, agree to put it down for now and come back to it in a couple of days. Conflicts about sex are frequent. Don't avoid them. Attempt to find a compromised solution.
If somebody gets something right, make sure they know it. Take time after sexual activity or experimentation to discuss what was good. This keeps the interaction positive and might help you for next time.
Here are some other things to consider.
Training films. Okay... they don't train as much as they open up conversation. There are videos available (they are advertised in magazines such as Psychology Today) that are explicit but relatively non-pornographic. If you have difficulty discussing certain situations or describing what it is that you like, watching these videos together can enable you to point out certain things and perhaps create new ideas. Clearly, if you are into pornography, watching that together might be stimulating and educational as well.
Sensate focus. This idea comes from sex therapy. The premise is that couples focus more on sensations, not on intercourse. Instructions vary, but the bottom line is that couples get together naked and explore each other's bodies without having intercourse. They are able to ask each other questions and talk about what they like. It even helps identify vocabulary. You will need to make decisions about how much lighting and clothing the first time.
Developing code words or signals. This can be as simple as thumbs up or thumbs down, or as fun as yelling out, "I like that". Oooing and awwwing can help, but it is ambiguous.
Do some role-playing. No, I am not talking about playing sexy librarian (unless that's what you're into). I'm talking about taking on the role of teacher. Instruct your partner. Show them on your body or on theirs the things that you like, what feels good, how fast or slow to go, and then let them try it. Sex can be instructional.
Have fun! Do some experimentation (but discuss it before hand). Break out of your box. If sex has become stale discuss how to make it better. Stimulating sex can come from a different environment, a different position, a different technique, or even changing up your language.
One of the primary sexual problems in men is erectile dysfunction. A common sexual problem in women is lack of stimulation (lack of lubrication or painful penetration). Lightening up and having fun or being romantic instead of getting focused on orgasm or on pleasing each other can have a positive impact on these problems.
Avoiding conversations about sex is often indicative of other relational problems. With some couples, it is a conditional situation. If they talk about sex, they have to address other problems. The reverse is also true. If they talk about difficult situations, they also find themselves talking about sex (lack thereof). It is strongly recommended that you stick to the subject with this, and have a separate conversation strictly about sex.
If sexual communication problems continue, consider seeing someone who specializes in sex therapy. Being embarrassed about talking about it is one of the primary problems. Breaking through this fear and talking with someone together can advance your sex lives considerably, making it both more comfortable and in tune with each other's needs.
Eugene D. “Chip” Weiner
The Neighborhood Shrink
www.neighborhoodshrink.com
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