It Isn't What it Isn't (A Note About Changing Your Mate)
Notes From the Desk of The Neighborhood Shrink
Many times in relationships people think they will be able to change or manipulate their partner into being who they want them to be or into giving them what they want. The assumption is they will either fix them so their problems are not as apparent, or change their guy or girl around to the “right” way of thinking. Obviously this works out sometimes if the partner is motivated to change and agrees with the new idea. But more often, trying to make wholesale changes in your partner, spouse, or lover becomes a big disappointment. We are all a collection of our history, our ideas, and our life experiences. And, as discussed in a previous Note from the Desk of the Neighborhood Shrink, we have all created various “rules” based on this history. The way we think and feel is complex. We are essentially “wired” a certain way based on our individual lives and upbringing. Changing that wiring extensively rarely happens just because someone else wants it to.
It is more important to attempt to understand your partner’s perceptions and how they differ from yours versus trying to change it. The next task is to identify similarities and try to have your worlds converge as harmoniously as possible. You will need to accept the fact that you won’t agree on many things. Consciously or unconsciously planning to change your partner’s belief system instead of working with it can end up catastrophically. Here is an example:
A recent client of mine - who always wanted children, apparently “extorted” her husband emotionally into pregnancy. She told him that if he was unwilling to have a child, she was going to leave (and probably should have). She reports that he was angry and confused but eventually agreed to have a child because he did not want to lose her. According to her, he told her repeatedly - prior to getting married and thereafter - that he did not want children. He stated that he loved her very much and wanted to spend the rest of his life with her, but did not feel able to be a good father. She married him thinking that he (or she) would change his mind.
She is now six months pregnant and anxious and upset that he has little to do with her pregnancy. He is exhibiting increasing resentment about their marriage and she fears that he will not be connected to the child. Now that she’s pregnant she is no longer threatening to leave and really wants him to engage. He is spending more time away from home and has only been to one doctor’s appointment with her. She is realizing he isn’t going to be what he said he wasn’t going to be and the reality is hitting her hard.
This is a pretty extreme example of how we think we can change our mates. Others are more subtle. For example, some people marry alcoholics - or people with other compulsive behaviors such as gambling or spending - thinking that it will either work itself out or that they can “fix” them. Regardless, they fail to take into consideration the history their mates have or their partner’s attempts to quit on their own, and exhibit magical thinking about how they can love their spouse into changing. The same types of dynamics show up in abusive relationships. People stay in these relationships thinking that things will change. They rarely do.
Part of the motivation for many people to attempt to get their partners to change is that they perceive that everything else about their relationship is great. If they can just make this “one part” better they would have a close to perfect union. Alternatively, it sometimes has to do with narcissism. Narcissus - a hero from Greek mythology - fell in love with his own reflection. In current day terms, people who are narcissistic believe that everyone should believe the way that they do. It is the epitome of egocentricity. In relationships the narcissists attempt to convert their mates into their way of thinking because their way is “right”. Irrespective of their lover’s belief systems, they tend to try to emotionally beat their mates into compliance.
If you can relate to this in any way, here’s what you need to do:
Check yourself. Stop again and take a look at your long-term expectations for your partner. Do you have any that are very improbable? Do you have conscious or subconscious plans to change your partner? Have you put your needs in front of theirs assuming that they will follow because they will eventually “see the light”? Do you feel the need to manipulate to get your way?
If your answer to any of these questions is ‘yes’, you should first step back and ask yourself what the long-term implications are of this way of thinking. If you are honest with yourself – and the long-term implications are not good – do something about it right away. Get help if necessary. Communicate with your partner. Find a way to “change your rules” a bit.
In the example above, where my client is now six months pregnant, her failure to take this into consideration potentially means years of great difficulty in her life. A very compelling need to have children - which is present in many people - got in the way of recognizing the reality of her husband’s thinking, and it could cost her marriage, as well as have a potentially significant impact on her child.
Don’t let this happen. Realize that “it isn’t what it isn’t.
Eugene D. “Chip” Weiner The Neighborhood Shrink www.neighborhoodshrink.com
Chip’s practice has a no-nonsense, solution focused approach to counseling therapy and coaching for anyone who needs help.
He offers several Mental Health Professional seminars, including self care for professionals, technology for private practice, and Initial Assessment Review.
He also offers a full compliment of corporate training including Stress Management, Giving Great Customer Service, and Dealing With Difficult People.
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Disclaimer from behappy101.com: The thoughts and opinions expressed by The Neighborhood Shrink (Eugene D. "Chip" Weiner) are not necessarily those of Jimmy DeMesa, M.D., or BeHappy101.com. Jimmy edits these "notes" only for wording and grammar and, therefore, BeHappy101.com is not responsible for the content in these thoughts.
