Friends with Benefits (A Note about Sex with no "Strings Attached")
Notes From the Desk of The Neighborhood Shrink
The concept of “Friends with Benefits” (FWB) – defined as two people having a sexual relationship with little or no emotional attachment - became rather chic several years ago.
The idea was that two people could have casual sex on a whim, as frequently as they wanted, and have no emotional attachment to each other. I suppose the idea has been around forever but has come to the forefront and more publicized in our culture with its snazzy title.
Becky, a client of mine, has been seeking a meaningful relationship for a long time but has been unable to find one. She considers herself to be of average looks and intelligence. She reports a large circle of friends and feels relatively connected to her family. However, there is an underlying sense of insecurity in her. It shows in her need to "always" please others, her lack of assertiveness at work, and to some degree the way she puts other’s needs in front of her own. There have been several occasions where Becky has been at a social gathering, meets somebody, and either sleeps with them that night or at a subsequent meeting. After their initial sexual interlude, they determine "together" that they can just have a FWB relationship, implying that there will be no emotional attachment; ostensibly that they can have sex whenever they both feel like it. On the surface it looks pretty good...at least for the guy.
Upon closer examination (and therapy) Becky realizes that she would really prefer to have a more meaningful relationship with the guys that she sleeps with. However, they are uninterested. She says they prefer to keep their options open and that they are not "ready for a relationship". (do you see how she is keeping it about them?) However, on two different occasions, the men she has been involved with, while they were participating in the “friends with benefits” relationship with her, got involved with someone else seriously and stopped seeing her.
This underlying wish for a more fulfilling relationship is fairly typical. As a matter of fact, I have not seen an exception. In a FWB relationship, one person most often is truly interested in a purely sexual relationship (and keeping their options open). However, inevitably, the other person will participate in the sexual part because it's better than nothing. At some level this person would really like for the relationship to intensify and for it to become a more meaningful or committed relationship, but the other person is usually unwilling. So, in their thinking, at least they get to be with their love interest part-time. They know if they push too hard for something more than sex, their lover may stop seeing them.
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There are several reasons why people choose to participate in relationships like this. Obviously, for the person who is not interested in an emotional relationship, it's all about sex. But for the person who is secretly interested in the intimacy part, two different things might be going on. They may have a very distorted vision of love. They may mistake sex for love or intimacy. Or, they may tell themselves that the person they are having sex with really likes them but just can't say so. Perhaps they tell themselves that if they keep having sex, the person will eventually change their mind and engage in a more meaningful relationship. This is rarely true. Lastly, as mentioned above, many times people are lacking in ego-strength (some people call this self-esteem). They are unable to ask for what they want, they are unwilling to pursue relationships that have more meaning and withhold sex until they get it, and they subordinate their needs to the needs of their lover.
It is fairly evident that we are built for intimacy. Most of us have the need to be intimately connected to others. It is a reality! But be careful with what you do with it and how it affects you.
Becky has ended up being hurt several times. She is now starting to take a look at her insecurity, her unwillingness to demand a more meaningful relationship before she has sex, and her lack of ego strength that allows her to participate in a better-than-nothing relationship. One of the first things she discovered was a real paradox. She is afraid to get close to others because they may leave or hurt her. So she involves herself sexually with men who will never connect and they leave and hurt her anyway. Yet, what she really wants is a connected and meaningful relationship.
Do you have a story of a FWB that really worked? Send it to me in the “comment” space below. But be honest! Did someone in the relationship really want more? I'd love to hear from you!
Eugene D. “Chip” Weiner The Neighborhood Shrink www.neighborhoodshrink.com
Chip’s practice has a no-nonsense, solution focused approach to counseling therapy and coaching for anyone who needs help.
He offers several Mental Health Professional seminars, including self care for professionals, technology for private practice, and Initial Assessment Review.
He also offers a full compliment of corporate training including Stress Management, Giving Great Customer Service, and Dealing With Difficult People.
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Disclaimer from behappy101.com: The thoughts and opinions expressed by The Neighborhood Shrink (Eugene D. "Chip" Weiner) are not necessarily those of Jimmy DeMesa, M.D., or BeHappy101.com. Jimmy edits these "notes" only for wording and grammar and, therefore, BeHappy101.com is not responsible for the content in these thoughts.
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