Can Couples Talk Too Much?Notes from the Desk of
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Is your marriage in trouble? Is it just not "great" and could be a bit better? If the answer to either of these questions is 'yes'...As you have seen in many of the Notes from the Desk of the Neighborhood Shrink, I am a strong advocate for great communication in relationships. The ability to maintain a good connection, solve problems, have better sex, and plan the future are all based on the ability to exchange ideas. It is one of the jigsaw puzzle pieces that some couples fail to get into place. And, since communication is so important, can there really be too much of it?
The answer is yes! For many people if you always have to talk about relationship issues, you have a real relationship issue! Discussing problems is like taking medicine. Not enough of it keeps you ill, too much of it can kill you, and just enough makes things better. Talking about the problems in a relationship is often curative or at least helpful. But making relationship problems the cornerstone of most in-depth conversations can be toxic if both parties do not enjoy and benefit from the content.
There are usually identifiable differences in couples in their individual tolerance and motivation to discuss problems and resolve issues. Check yourself! If you and your partner have differences of opinion about how often problems should be discussed, there are probably two roles in your relationship. One person usually asks to talk about the problems; the other person may try to avoid them. If you are the one who is consistently pushing for more dialogue to get things done, and you get frequent resistance from your mate, you are probably really frustrated. You tell yourself that you have to be the responsible one and that your partner is being unreasonable. Your partner may say you are a nag, negative, or never satisfied.
If you are the more avoidant one, you are probably also frustrated as well. Your partner says you never want to talk, you feel as though they will not leave you alone, and you find yourself making promises that you don't keep, including "let's talk about it later". You think it would be better to just "chill out". Problems will solve themselves. Right?
While it doesn't look like it on the surface, this whole thing is about the “C” word … Control!
The person trying to get things done is more overtly controlling and sometimes has more of a type A personality or some obsessive traits. The person avoiding the discussions is often times more covertly in control. The avoider will refuse to talk about things, promise to do things and then not do them, or only halfheartedly accomplish tasks. The message is, "I'll do them because you keep bothering me", but "you're not the boss of me". If you don't think it's about control, quit doing what you're doing. Stop being demanding or passive-aggressive (by not doing anything). Do what your partner wants. See how that feels. If you have problems complying with the way your partner wants to handle things, this is a control issue. You have difficulty letting go!
Okay, here's what to do:
If you are the one who is usually asking for more communication time, you might want to consider a different approach. Stop and really look at your partner the next time you say, "We need to talk". Watch their reaction. If their eyes roll back in their head, they give you a heavy sigh, or they run for the hills, your approach is not working. First, cool down for a little while. Then sit your partner down and explain to them that you understand that they see you as nagging (bitching, complaining, etc. - whatever word they use) and that you don't want to do that anymore. What you need for them to do is to help you understand how to have conversations with them without having to ask too much or be a nag. Tell them that! Then listen to what they have to say.
One technique I use for clients is to ask them to have a relationship or family meeting frequently. It's time set aside every week (day, month, whatever they decide) to actually discuss relationship problems and tasks which need to be accomplished. The one who usually pursues discussions agrees to wait until this time to present issues, and the person who avoids the discussions agrees to meet and actively listen. You need to understand in advance that this is going to be about compromising. It's not a meeting to manipulate your partner to get things done the way you want them to be done or an easy way to blow off discussing issues.
If you are the communication avoider, stop for a second and ask yourself what the real problem is. If the relationship felt better and you didn't always feel pressured, would you be more cooperative? You need to relate this to your partner as well. You may need to schedule some time out of your life to not only have a relationship meeting, but to accomplish tasks that have been asked of you. In other words you may need to re-prioritized to improve the overall quality of your relationship.
Another consistent complaint I hear from the partners of avoiders is that the avoiders don't listen. These partners often feel dismissed and the subjects that they are talking about marginalized. Pay attention! If you really want someone to back off, you have got to listen.
Another thing I remind couples about is to not forget to just be together. Life can't always be about getting things done, solving problems, or even trying to forecast the future. Sometimes it's best to just sit. Watch the rain without talking. Eat a meal holding hands. Take a weekend apart from each other (as long as your connection is strong). Read a book or get a CD on mindfulness (just being in the moment). Remember that your time and this relationship (and your time on this earth) are very limited. Ask yourself frequently if what you are doing - what you bring to the relationship - is creating bad feelings for you or your partner. Adjust!
Do you have thoughts about naggers or avoiders? Have you identified a problem in the way you communicate in your relationship? Write your comments below and send them to me!
Eugene D. “Chip” Weiner
The Neighborhood Shrink
www.neighborhoodshrink.com
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Disclaimer from behappy101.com: The thoughts and opinions expressed by The Neighborhood Shrink (Eugene D. "Chip" Weiner) are not necessarily those of Jimmy DeMesa, M.D., or BeHappy101.com. Jimmy edits these "notes" only for wording and grammar and, therefore, BeHappy101.com is not responsible for the content in these thoughts.
